Exit Interview

210118.6:  When… your best friend was upset because of [your] talking shit about [spokemodels], he talked with you about it.  Instead of caring that your hurt him, your [sic] had to write things about calling him a whiny bitch &c, and then [posted?] it publicly.  When I talked to you about both saying it and saying it publicly, you took it down in English, but needed to repeat it in your secret language, so that he would know you really still meant it.  Why would you treat him like that?
210122.6:  I’m having trouble following you here.  “Instead of” strongly suggests that I do not care, thus precluding the notion that one cares about more than one thing at a time.  So I’m not sure that’s precisely the case, or would ever be relevant if it were.  Aren’t we all often beset by conflicting cares?  Anyway, I don’t remember how “talking shit about [spokesmodels or spokesmodelling] led to his “barking like a bitch.”  I believe the “pouting like a punk” event was precipitated by my unsatisfactory attention to weeding and other aspects of “curb appeal.”  That’s still my failure, of course, just not the one cited, but still good enough to hang me.  As I recall it, the “barking like a bitch” comment was lauding a step TOWARD clarity, which I would hope we’d all prefer.  Since I assiduously couch identities in super-heroic garb, there is little risk of “public” exposure, but I still attempted to bury the frank commentary in cipher (that being how “little” I care.)  I’m afraid I never understood the concept of “you take that back” as if a thing could be unsaid.  Why do I try to express myself clearly and candidly?  Because pretense should be confined to the stage or the page.  Or maybe I’m squeamish.  Or incompetent!  There we go, that gives me less credit!  Incompetent — I’m not very good at casual lies.  It has nothing to do with character.  (This has not been a very good answer, even aside from the rambling.  In my defense, though, I think it was also not a very good question.  I can see that I’ve missed the point, but I’m still not sure what that point actually is.  This may have been one of those “rhetorical questions” that Earth people like to play with instead of actually communicating.)
221006.6:  This is a curious assumption.  Do “best friends” NOT allow each other to have contrary opinions?  Do “best friends” lose their shit over bad jokes?  Do “best friends” predicate their relationships on lies?  I was clearly deluded in my belief that I actually HAD “best friends.”  I guess I know better now.  Thanks for that revelation, at least.

 210118.7:  Have you decided you want to end your relationship with us, but are too afraid to talk to us about it or discuss issues, so you decide to do things to [make so (sic)] that we will end it with you, and you can say it was our doing?  Why is that important to you?
210329.7:  I have not (consciously) decided to end these relationships, but I AM afraid to discuss anything that either of you might find contentious, or even that I might find amusing.  I used to be able to discuss concepts and archetypes and stereotypes and airplanes falling out of the sky.  Now I’m just mean or condescending.  After all, I only vote the way I do, and write what I write, so I have an excuse to look down on other people (who have very loudly “GIVEN [ME] MONEY.”)  That’s probably also the reason I say stupid shit about retarded techs and sedentary clerks and middle management martinets.  My disagreements with you apparently have nothing to do with sober analysis; they are all personal attacks.  Maybe I’m resigned to making people mad so I can avoid the pain of deciding to end something I’ve cherished.  I’m not sure why I would want to end something I cherish, but what do I know about what I feel?  Maybe I don’t want to see that I don’t cherish it as much as I dread it.  Maybe I’m stupid and don’t know when to shut up.  Maybe I’m a self-absorbed and selfish bully who delights in manipulating your emotions.  (Amazingly, bullying no longer requires an imbalance of power, so I’ve learned to “bully” people with tactical advantages over me.)  I don’t know that it is important to me.  I don’t know how I conveyed that it is important to me.  Maybe I don’t want to see how important it is that I never achieve the type of relationship I’ve allegedly pursued all my life.  Maybe I don’t believe I deserve to be happy.  Maybe I don’t value reason and coherence and patience and tolerance as much as I think.  Maybe I thought we shared a common regard for honesty and clarity and decency and… yay sports…
220918.7:  I’m still not certain how it was established that hurting, belittling, befuddling people, or otherwise manipulating their emotions, was “important to [me].”  It hurts that you’d believe that but based on the weight and concentration of the invective since 7/19, and the well-known principles of projection, it should not have been a surprise.
230113.7:  I can say, clearly, and in English (even if that’s just another way of my looking down on people), that all of my offenses, and the consequences thereof, were my doing.  If it was absolution you sought, you have it; all sins are mine.

210118.8:  Are you [“willing?” -or- “able?”] to examine yourself and your motives, and look at yourself honestly?  210421.8:  I’m definitely willing.  In fact, I think I’ve generally been pretty harsh with me, but I’m still not certain that it’s really possible.

210118.9:  Are there issues you had with us and should have discussed with us that you have been suppressing?  If so, what?
210421.9:  Probably, but I dasn’t.  When things are nice, I would like them to remain nice.  When people are upset, I want them to be nicer.  Complaints are conflict, and conflict begets anger, and anger begets violence.  I bear what I can bear.

210118.T:  How do you think we should/can go on from here?
210421.T:  Boy shit howdy!  You got me on that one!  My “go to” on events like these is generally to be as conciliatory, cooperative, and compliant as I can manage (if that’s not a poor choice of a word), as often as necessary, or until I’m completely spent.  Like hysteresis in spring steel, though, push me away enough and eventually I’ll stay pushed.

When desire collides with reality, I experience frustration.
And when expectation collides with reality, disappointment.
But when disappointment colludes with frustration,
I experience marriage.