September 23, 2017
Five minutes, he says, five minutes and I’m supposedly ’b logging. About an hour into this trauma and it’s still not fun.
update 170925: Into day three of my “five minute” ordeal. Obviously I can get in and edit, and probably even post, but still only through the handy e-mail portal that blue host sent me. And roundaboutly at that! However, I still cannot get in through the site itself… lower right of the screen… META… Log in… you’d think that’s where they’d take my e-dress and (ridiculously complicated) passcode…
update 171112: Posting again… After six weeks I’ve cracked PART of the secret code; now I can get in other than accidentally, albeit through blue host’s “convenient” e-portal. Remote access is still a no go. I may have to suffer the “help” desk again. And graphics? That could be years away…
Also Tom, by explicit contextual definition, since I have not yet monetized this trauma, I remain a schmuck. (Maybe the reason “nobody ever does anything” is because “nothing ever works.”)
I hope you’re bearing with me. I have long been challenged by syntactical disciplines. It began, I am told (by parents and an older brother who were all there), with the English language. I did not speak for well past the expected period, and folks were beginning to wonder, “Is there something wrong with that boy?” As it turned out, there was. Nevertheless, one day at dinner I suddenly spewed forth both proper grammar and genteel table etiquette. (“Please pass the potatoes.”)
The painfully embarrassing cognitive debility extended to junior high French also, constituting my single scholastic failure, as well as to Les Mysteres Cybernetique.
correspondent TE (180111):
“Please understand: I want to help you. But you have to help me help you. I need an About page that is extremely straightforward. No jokes, no wit. Just plain Jane: this is what this site is. These are the opinions you can expect to find here. Otherwise, I am unable to promote your site effectively.”
update 180115: Composed and drafted an “About page” (sober complement to my “The Greigh Area…” description post), and while I sent the (implicitly) requested text and link, I still can’t figure out how to make it appear without loading “an about page” into the handy “Search” window. I suppose it doesn’t count if I don’t touch third base…
I hope this helps. It seems a little flat to me, but I’ll have to live with it for a while. I’m not sure how I’d find it again if I hadn’t recorded its address, as follows: http://thegreigharea.com/an-about-page/
I expect there are less cumbersome ways of going about this…
update 180119: WOW! I somehow tripped over the graphics switch, and after several hours of thumb-fingered fumbling, I now have illustrations!
I am tempted to find an unflattering photo of you, Tom, to post at the top of this rant, but I doubt that any exist.
My anger and frustration lie squarely on me. I’m sorry if I’ve allowed my careless wallowing to splash any of it out of my trough.
Oh! And look! I seem to have an “installed Plugin“. Where did that come from? Or was it always there? How did it happen? Did I trip over some new switch… ?
( from episode 1095 // 180215 — Tom’s late Valentine? )
“All right, now folks, you know that I promote websites that are created by people who listen to the show. And if they use my link to get their web hosting they get a good price on it, and they get free publicity from me and a bunch of other very very helpful bonuses that’ll get them free traffic, get them up and running quickly, get them help when they need it, they’re great bonuses, and you know you can get ‘em at Tom Woods dot com slash publicity.
Well I have to confess I do not know how to promote this particular website. I’ve tried, I’ve talked to the guy. I just don’t know how to promote it. The website is The Greigh Area dot com, but it’s spelled G R E I G H, because his name is Gene Greigh, so the Greigh Area dot com. You just have to see Gene Greigh’s writing for yourself. That’s all I can say.
If I tried to explain it to you, I don’t think I’ll be able to do it justice. The site consists of excerpts from works of fiction, published and in progress, poetry, but also, and I would say primarily, commentary on cultural matters, political, historical, even personal matters, much of it intended to be humorous. I don’t know what else to say, other than, I’m just going to have you be surprised when you go to The Greigh Area dot com.
update 180216: In fact, as far as I can tell, Professor Woods has delivered everything he’s promised. All flaws rest with this miserable troglodyte, who continues to struggle, as arcana mystify and confrontation confounds…
update 180218: So was that remorse I detected in Tom’s voice? Or consternation or exasperation or impatience or pique? Irritation? I wouldn’t blame him. I suppose we can be a bit of a trial — but he asked for it! As a consequence of his trauma he deserves every scintilla of attention we’ll offer and every milliray of mammon he can collect.
Nevertheless, I for one, remain grateful and resolve to go back to the end of episode 1095 and listen to Tom’s intro to my poor efforts, and DIGEST. EVERY. WORD.
Then go back to those intimidating tutorial videos again.
Then maybe into my time machine so I can make a better first impression.
update 180222: Bluehost has locked me out again. This is very frustrating. It’s difficult enough to learn this stuff without having chaotic cyber tricks giving me different results, even though I KEEP. DOING. THE SAME. THING.! “Five minutes,” Tom? “FIVE MINUTES?” Look, it’s been almost FIVE MONTHS, and while I’ve managed to get a little text up on the screen (the whole point of this exercise in anguish), I still don’t know how to get in and out reliably. When it permits, I get in through the portal that was provided in September, but I still have no clue as to how to get in remotely. Presumably through the “META“ function, which solicits a “user name or e-mail address, which I provide, then it asks for the ridiculously cumbersome and difficult to remember passcode blue host requires (instead of the easy convenient one that I can remember), which I provide. Instead of letting me in, it rejects my efforts. Also, it would be nice to “stick” my “about page” somewhere near the top of the file, or at least give it a recoverable label so new visitors can readily call it up.. That would be nice.
Dang! I think I’m going to actually have to talk to these people. Please let the next one actually speak English, instead of Cyberlogue, which only sounds like English I’m also going to have to wait to post this diatribe until I can get back in, so it waits on “Word” until I can wake up “wordpress.”
update 180228: Aaaaaaand back in! Just in case I am banish-ed from your in box AND you happen to glance here…
You have been very gracious. I appreciate your enormous patience. (Perhaps I am the beneficiary of your training with five daughters.)
I am pleased that you’ve seen fit to post a link to my site even though some of my vocabulary is inconsistent with your “family-friendly” philosophy (as I understand it), so thank you for the extra-contractual kindness.
As if you haven’t done enough for us, I have two additional requests (although one might be convolved enough to count as more).
Because I am a dithering fool I’ve lost the link to the twenty-five tutorials which you were kind enough to send me lo these many months ago. May we refresh the link or am I out of luck? I have managed to get a little text up on the screen, and somehow tripped over some of the secrets of graphics. But now I am locked out again (as of 2/18?), so I’m actually going to have to talk to these people. At least so I can get back in, maybe even remotely. Then to study study study…
May I know your advertising criteria? (Bucks per time increment — prerecorded v Tom’s recitation, and whether the phrase “…and I’m only saying this because he’s paying me to” would require any premium beyond the time it takes you to read it.)
I remain eager for your response, a loyal fan, and hoping that I am not damaging our relationship with my clingy neediness or embarrassing ineptitude.
As usual, I am a problem.
I just sent you 27 bucks for your “HappyEarner” program, and cheerfully so, wishing that I’d done so on the 23rd of September last when I first opened up this “start blogging in five minutes” nightmare.
If it measures up to the hype attached then I am going to send you another 27 bucks to squander as foolishly as you wish (even on progressive rock, if you can stand it). I am skeptical, but not necessarily of your benign intent. It is possible that I am THE most cybernetically retarded libertarian on the planet. It’s unavoidable that it be someone. Why not me? Do you know any other alleged grownups who are LESS adept at this stuff? In fact, I’d try to impose intellectual property rights on the neologism “Etard” (or “Schmuck” in Woodsian dialect), except that, as an anarcho-materialist, I have no respect for “IP.”
Anyway, I just want to express to you that despite the snark, and my own frustration with my incompetence, I have great respect and high regard for you and your good works, and am convinced that your every commercial move is honorable.
You’ve alluded to some of your own earlier frustrations, so perhaps you might consider bundling your “HappyEarner” offer with your “start blogging in five minutes” offer.
update 180922: “Outside of comedy…”? OUTSIDE? Please, Tom, we are some of the funniest people on line who don’t get paid for it. I know, some of us are a bit juvenile, and a few rather profane, but still… “Outside of comedy…”? Even an extra-bad ‘b logger such as myself, a veritable digital doofus, can feel the sting! And while we are often not as funny as we think, we are also funnier than we realize.
Licking my wound…
update 181025: Having surrendered to my debility, as painfully mature as that sounds, I’ve dropped a few more Fe’ral Reserve Digits for the special hand-holding service offered by “wordpresslive” so that I might actually pull myself out of these pitiable depths of non-monetizing schmuckitude.
It’s not that I haven’t tried. I gave those tutorials a shot, but they are so heavy with jargon that I can’t seem to start. I keep running for the glossary and more often than not find obfuscation rather than clarification. It’s now been an additional thirteen months since I tried ’b logging “in five minutes” and this is how I‘m doing. So far I’ve had at least TWO VISITORS (that I can discern, because they bothered to comment.) Maybe more but I have no way of telling, as I still don‘t know how to count “hits.”. I hope with the tender technicians’ help I might break up this cumbersome column and make the screen a little more than just text text text.
update 181107: correspondent TE claims that, “People in academia are so lost in their own jargon and lexicon, they have no idea how difficult they’re making things on the ordinary Joe.”
Perfectly apt, of course, with two caveats.
One minor: You can substitute the name of just about any other cadre for “academia” and it rings just as true.
One major: Many in their respective cadres do indeed have a very good idea of how difficult they are making things, as they are doing it on purpose. After all, language reveals, slang conceals; language includes, slang excludes.
update 181208: And at long last I have an “About” page that is NOT INVISIBLE to visitors. Assuming one can read English, now when arriving at the site one will find a menu with the actual words “an ‘About’ page” listed. This is much more convenient than entering “about” in the search window which was one’s only recourse for the last five minutes or fourteen months. The original that the “helpful” tutorials instructed me to establish remains concealed at http://thegreigharea.com/an-about-page/
The bizarre text at the beginning was suggested by the Standard English Obfuscators at Yeost (alleged on-line vendors) as a way of improving my site’s visibility. I’m not sure it actually works, as I’m still unable to count visitors. It just looks ugly and I rather strongly suspect that I’ve been scammed again.
update 190111: It may be for the best. I lost my identification and bank card a month or so back. It was a fairly cheaply bought valuable lesson. They may have been disappeared or destroyed, but they were not charged before I canceled them. Still, trauma remained. Called the creditors who were expecting to lean on my account based on our monthly agreements, and got them up to date so I wasn‘t risking any serious lapses.
HOWever… while the bluehost billing department was perfectly willing to update and bill me for another year of hosting, the hand-holding tutorial section of the biz was unwilling to accept the word of their own accounting department to extend my “help“ subscription, demanding that I send them a mysteriously coded e-message instead. The two or three months of expensive “assistance“ resulted in a table of contents reflecting more coherent “categories.” I guess they no longer will honor my calls or accept my dough. So be it. I‘ll continue to stagger forward on the merits of my (spotty) ability to read and understand English toward a more “WoodsWorthyWebsite“ (trade name bounty?) or ‘b log. After the recent trauma, perhaps the alleged tutorials might seem a little less jargon heavy, and maybe even comprehensible. It doesn’t seem likely that they’d be LESS clear by now.
A WordPress Tutorial Videos Revue (stream of conscious commentaries accompanying the campaign to conquer a shallow learning curve)
190129: “How to Install a Theme”
jargon dump: theme… dashboard…
Start from “dashboard“?
“click on right here” — look for “right here” key? or “One Penny”?
Wait a minute… before “here on appearance, click on themes” there was motion on the screen as cursor moved onto tab, but…?
Again with “One Penny” Who is that? Do I find it near my “dashboard” Is this the secret starter program ya’ll won’t share?
“add new” and ignore talk of “if you’ve purchased a theme”
Should see display of six pictures of “themes”?
Okeh… I watched that video several times, took careful notes and went to my “dashboard” and COULD NOT FIND either the “One Penny” key or the “Right Here” key. So I’m blocked!
Well, reviewing the video, and looking at my site (such as it is) it may all be moot. I’m not sure, but I may have already somehow “selected a theme.” I do a lot of fumbling around at this ‘b logging, largely motivated by the threat of “touch that strange button and lose files!”
It does seem I have an “appearance” key, I just have to follow a different trail to get to it! Nevertheless, the screen it delivers is rather different from the tutorial’s allegations, so still not much help…
190130: “How to Install a Plugin”
jargon dump: plugin…
Start from dashboard… “over here” “plugin” “add new“
Now I could search for or upload a plug-in, or even buy one, apparently, but I still don‘t know why I‘d want to. What is it? What does it do? In what way does it make starting easier or faster?
It feels already like the trainer who starts with, “You need to remember to do e,f, and, g, but before that you should make sure that c and d are straight, but first…” Okeh, back to our program…
“HIDE POST?” “HIDE POST?” What’s all this? Why on earth would I want to HIDE my posts? The whole point of this is so the world can SEE my posts. Oy McVey! …ahem… now then…”Hiding posts…”
Okeh, “activate…” that makes a kind of sense. If I wanted it I’d probably want to activate it. But still… Why did I want this? To hide posts?
WHOA! Someone thinks I bought a LOT of plugins! That is one monumental megalith of a list! And I still have no clue why I might want ONE let alone such a selection as shown! And this is an early tutorial? Do they get even more ridiculous and confusing after this? Or am I being scammed here?
“open” and “install now” and “activate plugin” are all straightforward instructions. Thanks at least for that!
Not quite understanding what “themes“ or “plugins“ might be, I apparently need to master those ideas BEFORE I attempt the dark arts of “Home Pages.” I guess I was naively thinking that one would START with a home page, get an idea of what I wanted to say with it, AND THEN maybe discuss the possible advantages of “themes“ or “styles“ or “motifs“ and the possible additional utility of “plugins“ or “tools“ or “napps“ or “accessories.” But that appears to be anon, as this is has been enough frustration for one day.