26 September 2017
(thanks to Graham Nash for the stolen lyric)
There are many things that I should try to avoid hearing from customers, because an genuine response is apt to make things worse. For copious examples:
“Don’t work too hard.”
Are you suggesting that I am too stupid to know my limits, or are you encouraging me to deny my employer the best efforts that I’ve promised?
“I guess it’s free.” (said by customers who either don’t see a price tag)
I guess you’re an idiot.
No wait! I actually DO know better than to say that one out loud, even though it’s what I’m thinking every time I hear it. What I have actually dared to say in response to that one is, “Do you have any follow-up guesses, because that guess if way off the mark.” I’ve given up on saying “Okeh” because too many people don’t understand the difference between agreement and acknowledgment.
“Know whum sane?” (see also “Blagga Mau Mau”)
English, please.
“Haaaava Goodwuhn!”
Lick yourself. Even if I were to concede that “one” was a meaningful pronoun, it would still have no meaning without an antecedent.
Well, that’s pretty abrasive. A better, but still ill-advised response is,
“Which one? Bambi Goodwin? Betty Goodwin? Kandi Goodwin?”
“Give me…” (or “I want…” or “I need…”)
Please go home and complain to your parents that they have failed to prepare you to interact with civilized grownups.
“Can I ask you a question?”
Isn’t it obvious?
“My bad.”
GET OUT! Your dismissive two syllable response is the practical OPPOSITE of an actual apology.
“How we doing?”
“WE” is a pronoun that ALWAYS includes the speaker, and we’ve just met, so how am I supposed to know how “we” are doing when you remain a mystery. -or-
Not well, one of us is working right now, and the other is struggling with English.