20 April 2019
Workin’ at the QuikkStopp-by-the-Interstate I get many questions. Mostly they’re of the nature of “Do you have milk?” or “Are they not open?” Generally, I can answer them directly and the customer gets what he wants, or learns that we don’t have it, and we part in peace.
Sometimes I am obliged to confess my ignorance.
Rather than plaudits for my candor, I am scorned.
“Don’t you work here?” they demand, indignantly.
When they’re jerks, that’s my permission to defer to the standards that they assert. “Sure, I work here. And the next time you’re at the ER, ask the janitor there to take a look at your owie. After all, he works there.”
“It’s not the same thing!”
Other times, when the Feds, the State, the County, the Municipality, or Management directs me to NOT honor a sale (usually for drugs), or other egregious offense to their dignity, they demand to know,
“Are you the manager?”
Once I again, I’ll defer to the customer’s call to crankiness:
“Of course I am. Who else is going to be eating your shit at three o’clock in the morning? Obviously I’m the manager. Seriously, what kind of manager would delegate an unpleasant task to a subordinate…
other than ALL OF THEM?”
19 July 2019 — Rhetorical Wins
If you ask questions faster than I can answer them, that means you win.
If I’m not as upset as you are, that means I don’t care as much.
If I don’t talk as fast, I’m not as funny.
If I don’t shout as loudly as you, that means I’m not as confident.
update 191218:
Customer w/Russian accent: You have Putin sticker on car?
Me: Da! Is thumb in eye of Democrat fools who think Trump does Putin favor by killing Russian soldiers and Syrian janitors.
update 200504: What is the proper response to “OK Boomer”?
(1) “Yes? And…?” Because if it’s English, then it isn’t a statement yet.
(2) “Please millsplain that.” Because it is clearly NOT English.
(3) “Lick yourself, bitch.”
(4) “Go fuck yourself with rusty garden tools.”
Sorry… it was kind of a trick question.
Responses (3) and (4) are ALWAYS appropriate whenever someone seeks to denigrate your perspective or opinion.
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