No Aitch in ’Arrigan (880614)
A! R! R-O-G! A-N-T spells arrogant!
I’m not the sort to slink away from an argument.
I’ve never cast an insult that I hadn’t meant.
A! R! R-O-G! A-N-T you see…
Call me names, play your games,
I am simply not ashamed!
Arrogant, that’s me!
Bob Vila (with a little salt and lime) (890629)
He knows how to hold a hammer,
He knows how to use a wrench.
He knows how to fix your toilet,
He knows how to build a fence.
He is so haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaandy!
He is so cleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeever!
He is so skiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiillful!
The hardest job to him’s a cinch!
BOB VILA!
El Presidente (891231)
(bomp bomp bomp bomp bomp bomp bomp bomp bomp bomp bomp bomp bomp)
(bomp bomp bomp bomp bomp bomp bomp bomp bomp bomp bomp bomp bomp)
El Presidente, grab us some land, (bomp bomp bomp bomp)
The opportunity’s too close at hand,
To pass the chance to annex the isthmus
And have a flag with sixty stars next Christmas.
El Presidente, don’t let us down, (bomp bomp bomp bomp)
Our Latin brothers don’t need one more clown.
You tweaked the nose of ol’ Noriega,
Now kick the butt of Tovarisch Ortega!
El Presidente, if you are bold, (bomp bomp bomp bomp)
Central America would be ours to hold.
We’d water ski on Lake Nicaragua,
And in Managua dance La Cucaracha!
El Presidente, here is the scheme, (bomp bomp bomp bomp)
We’ll face the future and Jefferson’s dream.
Let’s expand the U S A!
El Presidente, what do you say
Liberty and Enterprise (891225)
All Soviet and Socialist Republics fall apart,
The time has come to drop the gun, Berlin is just the start.
Let Latvia, et al, secede, retire the Warsaw Pact,
And Liberty, and Enterprise, supplant the Five Year Plan
Hadenov (900111)
(from the musical comedy political allegory stage play CARAMBA!
Featuring Nikita Hadenov of the Café’ Amerikanski, a KGB front operation, in newly independent Caramba, lost in space between French Guiana and Suriname, and lost in time between North Korea and Iceland)
I was born when Kruschev came to power.
The very model of Soviet Boyhood, I!
I grew and watched the Brezhnev Doctrine flower,
Saw freedom die.
We’ve had enough — of Soviet perfidy!
We’ve had enough — of assaults on liberty!
When tanks rolled into Prague it was dismaying.
The early Czech Spring turned to bitter frost.
New hopes were dashed by old men who were graying,
Young lives were lost.
We’ve had enough — of endless five year plans!
We’ve had enough — of Brave New Soviet Man!
Leonid succumbed to influenza,
At a ripe old age in 1982.
Then from out behind the veiled credenza,
Chernenko grew!
We’ve had enough — of gerontocracy!
We’ve had enough — mindless bureaucracy!
Wouldn’t it Be Tyranny (900114)
All I want is a tank or three,
A fleet of MIGs and an RPG.
Some troops who’ll die for me,
Oh wouldn’t it be milit’ry?
Plenty of taxes to collect,
And for life President Elec’t.
A marble monument,
Oh let it be, democracy!
Kai Hu (920929)
A writer who cannot spell
Inspires confidence
Like a speaker saying, “Uh.”
High Coup (921103)
[meter stolen from James van Heusen and Sammy Cahn]
Once there was a Nipponese chap,
Couldn’t stand to listen to rap.
“Everyone knows that rap’s crap!”
So one day he just snapped,
Now he writes hai ai ai ku, he writes hai ai ai ku.
He says konichiwah ah ah ichi bah ah ahn ku!
So if you’re seeking elegance, style, and form
That towers over the norm,
Grab a pen, you won’t regret it.
Once you start, you can’t forget it.
It writes itself if you just let it come through.
Hai ku!
French Fries (940301)
(“Daddy, sing me a song.” Coolin’ our heels at Mickey D’s during one of Drama Queen‘s many medical misadventures, my daughter challenged me to a little impromptu entertainment.)
French fries!
Get some French fries!
They’re the greasy carbohydrate treat.
With a — little ketchup,
They’re the side dish that just can’t be beat.
When you — go for burgers and a shake,
It would — be a terrible mistake,
To for — get the French fries, it’s —
A faux pas non pareil,
An error vile,
To forget the fries!
Don’t — forget the fries, or you will be —
With — out — the carbohydrate treat!
French Fries!
Fred’s Lament (950505)
If I were a Flintstone
(yabba dabba dabba dabba dabba, yabba dabba doo)
I would work all day for Mr Slate,
With my buddy Barney, too!
I’d come home to Wilma,
She’d have brontosaurus burgers waiting on the barbecue!
Play with Dino and my daughter Pebbles,
Change her diapers, filled with poo!
I’d go out with Barney,
To a meeting of the Lodge of the Water Buffalo!
We’d drink grog and dance until the dawn,
Wake up feeling mighty low!
960326
He’s ferociously precocious,
and his fashion sense is atrocious,
All the girls
think he’s a square,
he’s got
Eddie Munster hair.
P.O.W. (In which I try to be Leonard Cohen — 960712)
Sweets and flowers just don’t last
My love for you is not that fast.
It’s a hard, enduring thing.
It’s perpetual.
Stone and metal, craf’d with care
Doesn’t touch me where you stare.
My soul was taken unaware,
And I’m grateful.
Barbecue a Chicken (980614)
When you’re hungry for some flavor,
And you want some meat to savor,
And you want a treat that’s finger-lickin’
(Bock bock bock bock)
Just fire up the grill and then you’ll
Make the meal that makes the menu!
Baaaaaaaaar-be-cue a chicken!
(Bock bock bock bock)
Baaaaaaaaar-be-cue a chicken!
(Bock baaaaaaack!)
Chicken Chimichanga (990909)
All new, chicken chimichanga, chicken chimichanga good for you!
And our chicken chimichanga, chicken chimichanga tastes great too!
With a little bit of salsa, and a spot of sour cream,
Our new chicken chimichanga, it tastes just like a dream.
All new chicken chimichanga, so good you’ll want to scream!
The freshest ingredients, no short cut expedients,
We purchase our produce every day.
It’s not unpredictable that it’s so delectable,
Delicious! Exquisite! Gourmet!
Fresh chicken, fresh peppers, sautéed in a skillet,
With a little onion too!
Our new chicken chimichanga, we’ll make them fresh for you!
All new chicken chimichanga, come in and buy a few!