Category: speech

2 October 2018

First of all, I put quotation marks around “conservatives” and “libertarians” because, while I don’t necessarily agree that every so-called thus-and-so is actually practicing the philosophy he espouses, I generally get where they’re coming from.

Unless you’re following the thread that runs through John Locke and Thomas Jefferson and Calvin Coolidge, or if you’re comparing Vermont’s gun laws to Oregon’s drug laws, or New Hampshire’s income tax to Texas’ zoning laws, or you’re applauding Mohammed Ali’s and Ronald Reagan’s position on conscription, then you maybe don’t actually mean “liberal.” Liberals are generous, open-minded, and predisposed to liberty.

If, on the other hand, you’re complaining about the hectoring scolds in the media, the interfering buttinskies at your local Department of Thumbtacks and Paperclips, or Californian collectivists now mandating the arrangement of genitalia under the big table in the board room, then you really mean “Leftist.”

It’s not precise, but Leftist has weight and history, and the advantage of being a close abbreviation (‘le’t’vist) of “collectivist” which, of course, is what they are.

“Never go fishing with strangers who call you ‘Chum'”
(16 November 2016)   Some people are way too friendly way too fast. It puts me right off. You’ve probably had one at some time or another — classmate, coworker, neighbor, who knows…?  Somehow or other you instantly became this guy’s best friend. He always seems to be standing a little too close and acts a little too interested. This sets off important alarms. Why is this guy so desperate for friends? What does he really want? Why is he still bothering me?
Okeh, I seriously don’t think most fishermen are out to chop you up and use you for bait. Most people are generally decent, kind, compassionate, even generous. Even fishermen. One on one, that is. Get them into large anonymous groups though, like lynch mobs or plebiscites, and they can get downright vicious.
So… go ahead. Go fishing, as long as it looks to be a manageable crowd.

“It’s Easy, You Just…”    (14 January 2018)
Please.
Stop. Right. There.
I asked for help. I asked for directions. “It’s easy,” is a declarative statement, and a subjective one at that. I was hoping for imperative statements, along the lines of “Connect the blue wire to the red post,” or “Hold down the CTRL key and the ALT key, and press the DEL key.”
“It’s easy” doesn’t tell me what to do, it tells me how you feel about it. If it were “easy,” I’d already be doing it. “It’s easy” tells me you feel smug, superior, and maybe a little bit sad to realize how stupid I am. I already feel awkward, that’s why I’m asking for help. Telling me that it’s easy doesn’t tell me which wire to cut or which key to press.
And “just?” I’ve never been able to “just” do anything in my life.
Who does? No preparation? No thought, no study, no planning?
No consideration of consequences or exploration of alternatives?
Phil Knight has a lot to answer for.

“Ya Wanna Rethink That?”   2 April 2018
All that glitters is not gold.”  That’s an equation, and “is” sits right in the center where the equals sign belongs. The set “all that glitters” is the same as the set “not gold.” Gold glitters. Therefore gold is not gold.
“Your right to swing your fist ends where my nose begins.”  Be real careful with this one. My Aspy friends might think you’re giving them permission to hammer your nose flat, just so long as no punch passes the point at which your nose BEGINS, somewhere inside your face.
“Don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater!” As the great and wise Tom Woods once asked, “But what if it’s a DEMON baby?” Sometimes, the bathwater is the best part of the mix. Not everything should be saved. As the greater and wiser Ron Paul once remarked, if people are so concerned with replacing Obamacare, how come they never ask their cancer surgeon, “Sure, you want to remove that tumor, but what are you going to replace it with?”
“It’s all good!”  This is perfect rubbish! If it were all good there would never be any need for toilet paper, tampons, or tourniquets.

16 September, 2018 —  Are you concerned about drugs and alcohol?
Are you courteous to people and strangers?
Do you enjoy sports and football?
Do you like food and biscuits?

“The Beginning of Wisdom”   6 April, 2019  Insofar as it has been said that to call things by their proper names is the beginning of wisdom, I find it laudatory (and not just as a reformed terrorist myself — Strategic Air Command, 1977-1979) that our State Department has seen fit to designate Iran’s “Revolutionary Guard” as a terror organization.  It is fitting. Just like SAC‘s, the IRGC’s mission is to bolster the allies and destabilize the adversaries of its sponsor government. Though I never got in on any of the actual killing myself, I am well aware that the presence of US jets in foreign skies evoked memories among many of the bombings and strafings that my cadre inflicted on the people and jungles of Southeast Asia.  In light of this new candor in government, can we look forward to more honesty? May we now refer to the deep state as The Occupation, the legislature as interfering buttinskies, the President as Puppet-in-Chief, and the IRS as a band of thieves?

31 March 2003

“Together Everyone Accomplishes More!” Is it true? It says so on the poster down the hall at HR. Personally, I’m skeptical. “Everyone?” Unless you qualify it — everyone in class, everyone on the island, everyone at work — it means, “All human beings in the universe without a single exception.” Yeah, well, there ARE exceptions. Some jobs are just too small for too many. Lately I’ve taken to asking Drama Queen, “I think maybe we’d just get in each other’s way here, let me try it by myself first,” instead of, “Would you PLEASE back off for a second?!”

The nonsense continues.
“There’s no ‘I’ in TEAM!”
That’s right! Also no “I” in meat, mate, or tame.
Pick your favorite anagram!
For that matter, there’s also no “Y” in obedience, or follow, or march.
And if you believe that that’s significant, I’d also like to point out that there’s no “U” in imagination, originality, integrity, dignity, or intelligence.
But there IS a “dig it” in dignity!
Also, it is worth noting that you can’t spell “Humorless Robot” without HR.
Dig it!

1 April 2018

The more I deal with Americans, the more I like Mexicans and the more I respect Canadians.

Admittedly, that is not a comprehensive comparison, and in fact is much skewed, as I’ve mostly and most recently dealt with them within the confines of the  QuikkStopp™ deep in the heart of the u S of A. As a consequence I would be dealing with very few of the craven dullards who can’t be bothered to stir themselves from their native villages and brave the big world outside, but, to a certain extent, that also applies to most of my domestic clientele.

And, bearing in mind the evergreen caveat that usually only bookies profit from generalizations, I will still state that, based on courtesy, literacy, coherence of speech, demeanor, and over-all comportment, Americans as a class seem to be neither as nice as Mexicans nor as smart as Canadians.

Americans will walk straight across a freshly mopped floor and pretend to apologize for it. Mexicans will stop, pause, then pick out the least destructive path, retrace their steps, and NOT apologize for doing what they saw as necessary. Nor should they. I don’t get to lock the door and they don’t know my cleaning schedule. I do put up signs, and they seem to be attentive to them.

Americans have a hard time dividing by ten. Mexicans and Canadians breathe the metric system. Furthermore, when Canada’s cent became too expensive to produce, they ditched it. (Kind of a shame, as the Maple Sprig was and is one of North America’s most beautiful coins.) Rounding to the nearest five cents? Easier than algebra! Canadians don’t even blink while Americans would be soiling themselves. The Loonie and the Toonie circulate about the Great White North without the slightest fuss. Show an American a Brass Buck or Sweet Susie B and he says, “What’s that?” or “Looks like a quarter.” (Even though the nickel is closer in both diameter and weight to the quarter than is the little buck.)

Americans begin transactions with “Give me,” or “I want,” or “I need.” Mexicans and Canadians ASK for things, and they usually use the P word, too. Americans seem to be allergic to the P word; its very utterance can spread horror and revulsion across their faces.

For all I know, Mexicans are just as smart as Canadians. I probably suffer from a little Anglophone bias. Now if Americans could only speak English as well as most Mexican immigrants, they just might have a shot at second place!

Standard English Obfuscation:
<meta name=“description” content=“On the behavioral differences between ‘Mericans, Messkins, and Canucks.”/>

23 February 2018

The English language is evolving as we speak. In fact, that’s one of the ways that it evolves. Some old words don’t quite fit new concepts, and some carry unnecessary baggage (see “Tselphisch Tovarisch?” for amplification.) When the need arises, we create new expressions.
Some of the following are my own invention, some are not.

Confabulation — Well, actually, I didn’t coin this word, but I thought I did, just as I thought I’d discovered the Binomial Theorem in senior juniorhigh. Turns out someone beat me to it. Anyway, the psychology types got there first and decided it’s some sort of detailed delusion. Sure. But when the “Editorial I” wanted to hype The Kree-Skrull War and wrote, “This Cosmic Confabulation has it all! Rockets! Robots! Romance! Rick Jones!” I thought it meant a story created by collaboration. So that was one attempt.

Cyberlogue — The language of IT weasels. It sounds a lot like English, the grammar and syntax, particularly, but the vocabulary is heavy with acronyms and a veritable Niagara of neologisms of their own.

Seriagraphy — Serial Pictures. “Sequential Art” says Will Eisner. “Graphic Novels” say the effete. “Comic Books” or “Panel Art” say most, and “Illustrated Stories” say some. I prefer Seriagraphy.
Serigraphy (“seh rig ruh fee” with just the one A) is silk screening.
Seriagraphy (“sear ee ah gruh fee”) would be the process. A seriagraph (“sear ee uh graph”) would be the finished product. “Comic Books” is a slur to many of us, as the medium is so much more than Richie Rich and Archie Andrews. Many “comix” are far from comical. And Graphic NOVEL? Sometimes, sure, but not always. Even Eisner’s own A Contract With God, hailed by many as [“the barrier shattering graphic novel that brought the funny pages out of the ghetto“], wasn’t a novel at all. It was an anthology with four separate (albeit thematically linked) can-stand-up-all-by-themselves stories. So nothing wrong with “graphic novel,” if it’s a novel, or “graphic anthology,” if it’s an anthology, but in general, “Seriagraph.” Practice saying it with me.

Softsmith — Programmer, a writer of software products.
“That’s just elegant!” (as The Girl in the Kaufmans’ Apartment would say.) I’m surprised no one’s beaten me to this, it just seems so obvious. A silversmith creates things out of silver, so… “Programmers” on the other hand might put together “mix tapes” for their friends, or book entertainers for cruise lines. It’s a little too broad, I think, like “Federal Agent.”

Unteamly — How I behaved at every school I ever attended and on every job I ever held. Although I may be often told that Together Everyone Accomplishes More, I know that Trite Euphemisms Are Meaningless. Of course, when I was actually engaged in a sporting activity with friends or classmates (baseball, volleyball, football, or real football), then I WAS a team player. Because we were PLAYING. If I have to be paid in order to do it, it’s not “playing.”

Swipe and hash tag — Neither of these are mine. In fact I reject them both. What idiot decided it was a good idea to encourage people to “swipe” things in a retail establishment? Sure, we all want to get paid, and submitting credit or debit data is one helpful way to get that done, but… To “swipe” means to steal, to pilfer, to kype, or to snatch. Do you really want your customers swiping stuff? Fortunately for the sane and the humane among us, the word “slide” already exists, is only one syllable, and ALREADY DESCRIBES THE ACTION! “Hash tag” is worse. “Hash tag” is an abomination. The # has existed for several decades (preceding my involvement in typography) and for all that time it has been known as the pound or the number symbol. Why invent a two syllable word to substitute for an already existing one syllable word? Who has so much extra time that doubling the work load seems like a good idea?

11 December 2016 — The Purpose of Junior Juniorhigh

If I were an objective, empirical person, I would conclude, based on the evidence, that the purpose of Junior Juniorhigh is to prepare us for Senior Juniorhigh, and that the purpose of Senior Juniorhigh is to prepare us for Eternal Juniorhigh. The mores, traditions, and ethics of Eternal Juniorhigh are designed to convince fading former Prom Queens and their plagues of pestiferous Princesses that they are still way cooler than the nerdy techies that they, or their (ex?)husbands, now work for.

14 September 2022

I have elected to stiff you this month. (Try to relax and don’t clench up. They say it’s easier that way.) Based on cash flow and other exigencies, I decided it would be prudent (and far safer) to pay “Kitawg‘s Main Street Automotive” instead. After discerning that I’d been putting more brake fluid into my car in the last two months than in the prior five or six years, I decided I preferred brake work in my immediate future to charges of vehicular homicide. Kitawg confirmed my suspicions about the effect of twenty winters of Cincinnatistan’s salted roads on exposed metals. It seems I’d been expressing brake fluid out of corroded brake lines at every intersection. Fortunately, the closest Texas comes to salted roads would be along the Gulf Coast, which is nowhere near me these days. I am always delighted to give money to skilled craftsmen when it makes me better off than the mere cash could, and I will be delighted to resume payments to you anon, generally believing that paying debts is the best “investment.” Meanwhile, your monthly status report:

Beginning balance: $5756.90
CPI for August 2022 reported to be 8.30% annualized.
interest: $40.82
payment: $0.00
balance remaining: $5797.72

14 October 2022

Not surprising that an heroic “woman of color” would finally get fed up with the Party of slavery, Jim Crow, the KKK, and elective war, and also not surprising that venal Democrats are now scorching their former “rising star” Lt Col Gabbard.

The car, and its newly rebuilt brake system, is now in safe working order, and while reparations have not yet kicked in (I’m still lingering over applying for Social “Security” as I’m taking an actuarial chance, based on relative health, family history, and lifestyle, that waiting a little more will enhance the stipend sufficiently to overcome the delay and then some.) my modest income from the local QuikkStopp allows me to resume my preferred payment schedule.
Once again, your monthly status report:

Beginning balance: $5797.72
CPI for September 2022 reported to be 8.17% annualized.
interest: $39.47
payment: $400.00
balance remaining: $5437.19

14 March 2023

Happy Pi Day AND Happy Equal Pay Day, a fitting confluence of events denoting opportunities for arrogant solons to attempt de-legislating reality.  History is amusingly replete with examples of Pi being redefined (to 22/7, typically, though I’m partial to 355/113 myself) so that it is no longer irrational (and therefore presumably an abomination unto the Lord), forgetting that real engineers and electricians never use pi (or e or phi) anyway, because no one’s paying for all that extra accuracy.  Silly Demoblicans and Repucrats also like to try to legislate away the real differences in lifelong choices made by majorities of men and women that result in their achieving different stations in the market vis a vis productivity and reward.  I expect if men also took about a decade off from their career tracks to raise children, AND if women were more inclined to risky (and therefore more handsomely compensated) behavior, there’d probably be no such gap.  This fantastical 73% or 79% comparison is evidence of the adage, “Figures don’t lie, but liars do figure.”

A new low on the CPI (at least for the life of this loan) is certainly good news for me, most of the rest of humanity, as well as your own tender conscience.  (Apropos of which, have you sponsored a worthy stripper yet?)

Herewith, your (regular?) bimonthly check-free statement.

Beginning balance: $4700.15
CPI for year ending February 2023 reported to be 5.5%
interest: $21.53
payment: $0.00
balance remaining: $4721.68