14 December 2009
Dear Mrs Alias,
How unfortunate that you would deny yourself an employee of unwavering integrity and immense vigor due to your misguided allegiance to a campaign of bigotry, cruelty, and irrationality. It saddens me that people who would promote respect and dignity for even the most disadvantaged would undermine such laudable goals by rejecting applicants on the basis of their peaceful lifestyle.
I commiserate with your plight, but I do not apologize.
A decent respect for the opinions of my fellow persons (to paraphrase Mr Jefferson) demands that I articulate my motives in misdirection and guile. When asked if I would pass the probable drug screening process, I responded in the affirmative. How can I possibly square such an obvious lie with my claim of honor? One conveniently Clintonian explanation is to stretch the definition of the verb “to pass.” If I did not “pass” a sample, then you would lack the ability to infer from it my private behavior. However, as entertaining as such wordplay might be, it is neither useful nor informative.
Here are my points: As an unrelenting optimist, I wanted to give you every opportunity to come to your senses before you backed yourself into a corner. Also, as an accessory to a crime, by which I mean the assaults on personal sovereignty inherent in the “War on (some) Drugs”, you deserved to be inconvenienced. Deception, or even violence, are perfectly legitimate tactics in the constant struggle against evil. Of course, as a committed coward, I prefer to avoid violence. Furthermore, because you clearly labor under powerful misconceptions, you must be confronted with strong counter-examples to the popular stereotype of the irresponsible and unmotivated stoner. Beyond my personal pride in achievement and mental acuity, I am endlessly amused by the thought of people being inspired to wrestle with their souls. Truth remains the great liberator of the mind, and I hope that I have helped, in my own small way, to lead you from the darkness.
update 190125: I kinda ducked a bullet on this job prospect. It could have meant dealing with some extremely challenging people — not evil or vicious, necessarily, but a little slow and easily confused or frightened. Nevertheless, it was a good enough offer to pursue. I’d even begun to develop a nice cordial relationship with my trainer Mrs Alias. It’s amazing how easy it is to win your way into my heart when you act like you think I’m smart and funny.
Well, so much for Me and Mrs Alias havin’ a thing goin’ on…
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