“Shabby Tricks” 23 August 1985
Shabby tricks!
You always pull such stinking shabby tricks!
You’re always getting yourself in a fix!
Down a ditch!
Up a crick without a paddle and you pull us in with shabby tricks!
You really are a foul disgrace!
You’re really in disfavor, ‘cause we hate the flavor,
Of your dirty lowdown shabby tricks!
“With the Hair and the Music” 14 January 1994
What’s the matter with kids these days?
Goin’ through life in a smoky haze?
Why do they think that violence pays?
What kind of monsters did we raise?
With the guns and the drugs and the hair and the music!
“Oldie, the round-Heeled Spice Girl” w/ Robi Jo &al (1 March 2000)
Well you know
Ginger, and Baby, and Sporty, and Scary,
Cinnamon, Nutmeg, Posh and Rosemary!
But do you recall,
The most ancient Spice Girl of all!
Hello my name is Old Spice,
And I wear the lamest clothes.
My legs are veined and wrinkly,
And I don’t wear pantyhose.
All of the other Spice Girls
Put out for the football team.
They just will not believe that
I was once their Pops’ wet dream.
When Versace hosts a ball,
We’ll show up to play!
When that party starts to stall
Then we’re on our way!
If you wanna be my lover,
Ya gotta get up with my friends.
But if you think it’s too much bother,
Then you can just kiss our rear ends!
“Capitol Hill” (28 December 2002)
(meter stolen from Sherwood Schwartz)
Just vote for me and I’ll bring home pork from Washington DC.
We’ll soak the other taxpayers, but you’ll get yours for free.
We’ll build you a mighty welfare state, and it will be your slave,
Offering full coverage from the cradle to the grave
(The cradle to the grave…)
We’ll regulate small businesses, we’ll tie them up in knots.
If not for the vigor of the working class, the budget would be shot.
(The budget would be shot…)
When things turn sour we’ll duck the blame,
You cannot pin us down.
Not two Senators, your Congressman (doodle-oodle-oot-doo)
The President, or his Vice (waa waa waaah)
His Cabinet, the Supreme Court, or the Pentagon!
What a slick bunch of lice!
(intermezzo)
So, that’s the way the system works, we’ll rob the country blind.
And blame each other’s party, you’ll buy it every time.
The Donkey and the Elephant will patronize the pest
Who whimpers for free goodies from the public treasure chest.
“New roads! Food stamps! More benefits! Not a single user fee!”
Don’t call it “Socialism”, we say “Democracy!”
So watch the action on the floor, it’s sure to make you ill.
Those lying scheming Congressmen, there on Capitol Hill!
“Don’t Touch My Junk” (w/ John Tyner, 23 November 2010)
I’m not a fan of your scans, but without help from God above,
You won’t touch my junk…
I wanna fly through the skies without fear of harrassment,
And no I’m not impressed with yer professional detachment,
Yer gropin’ up my thigh provokes a natural reaction,
Don’t touch my junk!
I want to fly to the west when my trip commences,
With my self respect and my common senses,
(You don’t need to know if I am on my menses),
Don’t want irradiated and don’t want molested,
Don’t touch my junk!
I think them porno portals are carcinogenic,
The latex on yer fist don’t make you a medic,
So git yer mitts off of my sweet stuff,
You’re givin’ me a headache,
Don’t touch my junk!
“Fake News” (2 September 2018)
“Week fans’ swank fee wakes fen, knew safe, kens a few.” — N.E. Fawkes
“Media Madness” (28 November 2018)
(meter stolen from Graham Nash)
In a cloistered room in Congress,
Under wraps so the world can’t see,
The President is hobbled,
In the name of “Democracy!”
Mueller-Trump Madness is thrilling the country!
It’s partisan hack work! It’s Dems on a spree!
Did Putin hack Her e-mails?
Did Assange let the truth get free?
Will schemers share the details,
For suborning perjury?
Manafort Madness is filling my country
With shock and amusement, free of dignity!
“Wood Bits” 26 March 2019
Hoo Ray for Wally Wood!
Big-breasted women never looked so good!
The way he’d draw a damsel in distress
Without a dress!
In pen and ink his work was…
Undeniably the best!
“Dear Diary” (25 May 2019)
Did ya rare airy dread dry ear aid? Add ire ray.
Day raider read diary. I dye radar.
Dairy dare: aired yard.
Dryad Aire dried Arya.
A Dreary Id
“Space Gun 2036” (20 June 2019 for Wells et al)
“O Very Newt, we try oven.”
New Votery, Envy Tower,
Everytown
At the Vectory 5 May 2020
Germs are all around! Every surface, every pore!
Pathogens abound! Wuhan Flu™ and so much more!
Now I don’t know if I’m being cautious,
And I don’t know if I’m being fooled.
But I put on the mask like they ask us,
Though I know that I look like a tool.
Sanitize the world! Spray down anything that moves!
Battle flags unfurled! Our campaign is in the groove!
It’s a cinch that we’ll vanquish this virus!
By employing new means of control!
I can’t shake the thought that they’ve had us!
Or that next year I’m catching a cold.
A Lady Tonight, Syntax Be. 24 September 2020
Predated Bill, Ted, and Yoda by decades, did Damon Runyan.
This he would do with most elegant prose.
Dough Reigh Miegh
12 October 2020
A-C-B!
Much better than R-B-G!
Confirm her A-S-A-P, U-L-C,
Dems go mad throughout D-C!