16 April 2018
introduction 190905: It’s a shame I’m such a spineless punk! I was never going to get these jobs anyway (so clear in retrospect) so I might just as well have been more honest during those tedious and ultimately pointless job interviews. I wouldn’t have lost any more than I did, and I might actually have gained a few more laughs along the way.
1) How do you get along with your team members?
a) You mean “colleagues”? “Work mates”? “Fellow employees”?
What’s a “team member”? Am I going to be on some kind of “team” playing some kind of “game”? I thought this was a job interview.
1.1) How do you get along with your fellow employees?
a.1) If they’re not idiots, just fine. If they’re quiet idiots, just fine.
2) What’s your biggest weakness?
b.1) I’m hyper-sensitive to stupid questions.
b.2) My inability to sustain the pretense that people are not fools.
b.3) A lack of self-reflection.
3) How are you today?
c) Irritable and frustrated.
3.1) WHY??
c.1) Irritable because you’re already asking about things that have nothing to do with this job or my alleged qualifications. And obviously frustrated. I’m here looking for a job. It has to be that I don’t already have the one I WANT so I’m trying to find another. Not having what you want is the definition of frustration. Go ahead and check the dictionary if you like. I’ll wait.
4) Would you characterize yourself as a people person?
d) Absolutely not. I’m not perky enough to be a people person. Besides which, people are just awful.
4.1) Uh… This is a people business, so…
d.1) I’m sorry. I mean I love people. People are the best. I’m so perky I can barely stand it. People never lie, people never steal, people never show up late, and people never ask pointless annoying questions. Do I pass now?
5) Do you think you’re better than other people? ’Cause you’re not!
e) At what? Without actual comparisons “better” has no meaning. I’m probably better at math and clearly more literate than most, but I’m also a pretty bad singer, so not as good as some others. Again, what’s your metric?
6) Do you think these smart ass answers help?
f) Yes. In addition to being amusing they also provide a cathartic release of tension and anger without using actual violence. So yes — “smart ass” answers are a very good thing. However, if you don’t really care for them, try asking fewer stupid assed questions.
And for the sake of stubborn integrity (or foolish consistency), I should apologize to no one, except of course to my former arch nemeses and our spawn, who all had to endure the same crushing poverty as I.
It’s tragic!
I’m even too awkward and inept to get a job as an engineer,
the very archetype of the socially retarded set!