15 July 2023
(meter stolen from Quincy Jones)
Goin’ Trekkin’!
Goin’ Trekkin’ to the stars!
You Big Dummy!
You don’t know your butt from Mars!
It’s no wonder this ship’s such a dump!
Goin’ Trekkin’
LAUR-EL
13 September 2023
Jerry Ordway‘s beautiful illustration of Pete Ross®, Ultra Boy®, Lana Lang®, Laurel Kent®, and Superboy® (Legionnaires® all, to one degree or another) in Smallville® makes me suspect that he might be the secret lovechild of Curt Swan and Kurt Schaffenberger (peace be upon the memories of both). It also makes me yearn for sequential art. Pretty is pretty and all, but storytelling means continuity, so get with it, Jehr! We’ll give you money! Work with us!
Some readers wonder whether Superboy’s time-travelling descendant might be too much of a reveal to Lana Lang, who long sought to divine his secret identity. Laurel’s being a look-alike for her ancestress Lois Lane® makes no difference, as Lana and Lois had not yet met, so the resemblance is meaningless. Also, as an enthusiastic participant in these confabulations, I’ve developed the habit of figuring out what’s not been seen or said. Obviously, Legionnaires who are onto Clark’s secret would not betray his trust. Laurel was likely introduced as Superboy’s Kryptonian kin from the 30th Century, “Laur-el.”
The imaginary concepts of Pete Ross®, Ultra Boy®, Lana Lang®, Lois Lane®, Laurel Kent®, Superboy®, The Legion of Super-Heroes®, and Smallville® are alleged to be private property and are held de jure by DC Comics® and WarnerCom®.
Used without permission.
Gettin’ Their Peace Freak On!
9 September 2023
I hadn’t been so excited about a Dan DeCarlo story since I scored the damaged but mostly complete 1955 issue of Millie the Model® for cheap from the bargain box! That was cover-to-cover goodness of some of DeCarlo‘s finest, undiminished in the slightest by Stan Lee‘s bad gags.
The Best of Archie® Musical Madness is a trade paperback reprint and is no bargain at $13.99US* (*unbacked securities). But with 256 somewhat (25%) reduced pages, it’s still competitive with new material, but features a lot of classic DeCarlo and many of his lesser (though better than most) colleagues’ work from 1967 forward.
But that’s not the exciting part.
I was eleven in 1967, or 12 when The Archies® debuted on teevee in 1968, so Betty and Veronica (and Midge, and Josie, Valerie, and Melody, and Sabrina, of course) were early entrants into this adolescent fanboy’s spank bank. (Oh! And Samantha — Bingo Wilkin‘s girlfriend, and Batgirl, and Princess Ponytail too!)
And that’s still not the exciting part.
It’s pretty much what I expected.
Light-hearted fun. Simple, inconsequential fluff pieces with musical themes touching on topics of the day and cameos from “realworld” techs’n’execs, with stories propelled by Monkeesesque absurdist hijinx and forced rhymes.
Fun and satisfying, sure. But, not exciting yet.
I picked up the book again this afternoon to dip in. I ration myself sometimes. It keeps things fresh. While Alice’s Restaurant played itself out, I read a silly little Sabrina story, crafted by writer George Gladir and ably illustrated by Bill Vigoda and Chic Stone. Chuckling at both Arlo and George as I finished it, I flipped the page and DeCarlo’s reproduction of the cover depicted above seized me by the throat. Archie and the gang drafted? What did writer Dick Malmgren have planned for us? I closed the book before I began to hyperventilate and I told myself, I have to wait for this. Archie in the Army.
This is big. This is important. This is exciting.
Look, I know, you know, and every other remotely semi-intelligent fanboy knows that Arch and Jug will never get killed in combat, let alone ever finish high school. So, this was Not a Hoax! Not a Dream! Not for Real! This had to be an Imaginary What If Story from some other Elseworld in the multi-Archiverse. But it was still Important. Not to drop any spoilers about what may or may not have happened to Reggie on the Group W Bench, but I will tell you that it does feature many characters peacefully protesting America’s engagement in Vietnam, though never actually mentioning the nation by name. It also features a Hippie Seditionist who suborns felonies by urging Arch et al to burn their draft cards and to refuse to report for induction. Of course, this story being constrained by the Comics Code Authority, such a suggestion is quickly countered by Archie’s admonition that one must work within the system. So, on one level, it was “balanced” puerile pap, beautifully illustrated. On another, it was deftly subversive. For all the Code’s obeisance to “the authorities” Malmgren nevertheless managed to get Hippie Seditionist to say “You don’t see the politicians risking their lives on a battlefield! Why should you? You have as much right to stay alive as they do!” Later, Archie himself refers to the Vietnam conflict as “a senseless war.” This may seem like pretty tame stuff in 2023, but in 1971 the weight of the Code was heavy and burdensome. Even so, Malmgren’s story expresses the fatigue that Americans were feeling. By then almost everybody knew someone whose brother or cousin had been killed in action. The war was grinding on and people were getting sick of it.
And sad to say, THAT’s exciting.
in addition to its original presentation in Everything’s Archie #16 (October 1971),
“Summer Prayer for Peace” has been reprinted in
The Best of Dan DeCarlo #2 (March 2011),
The Best of Archie Comics #4 (August 2014),
World of Archie Double Digest #51 (August 2015),
Archie 1000 Page Comics Jam (2015),
Archie Spotlight Digest: Archie 75th Anniversary Digest (2017), &
The Best of Archie Musical Madness (2023).
The Grand Comics Database refers to this story thus: “A rare example of Archie expressing political views, both against the Vietnam War and against violent protests. The title of the story comes from a song released by The Archies on the album ‘Sunshine,’ one of the most serious and ambitious songs by the group.” Herewith, the lyric:
“A Summer Prayer for Peace” — by Jeff Barry
Three billion people together forever,
Three billion people sing a summer prayer for peace.
Oh look, look around you, see what you have done.
Where’s the world that God intended
With love for everyone?
Sing, sing of freedom,
Sing a song of joy.
Altogether making better
What some would destroy.
How will it end? How will it end? How will it end?
Amen, amen, a—men!
Okeh, surely Jeff Barry‘s no Bobby Darin, but his passion is just as real, and he’s following Bobby’s admonition to “sing a song of freedom. Sing it like you’ve never sung before. Let it fill the air, tell the people everywhere, that we the people here don’t want a war!”
Rick Jones or Snapper Carr?
30 July 2023
Please.
I could countenance a comparison between Mary Ann® and Ginger®, or maybe choosing a favorite Bradley Daughter®. Those particular cuties would indeed be worthy competitors (assuming competition were warranted), but to compare Richard Milhouse Jones to Lucas Robert Carr is a gimme on the order of Marilyn Monroe versus Eleanor Roosevelt. Not that Snapper and Eleanor couldn’t be nice characters in their own right, but seriously… It is not a fair comparison.
But what has Snapper Carr done? Well, he discovered that certain combinations of common calcium oxides and hydroxides (“lime”) could stop alien mind control. That’s cool.
Later, he betrayed the Justice League®. Not so cool.
Whereas Rick is THE Sidekick Supreme! His reckless disregard for authority and his desire to wave his dick at his teen buddies brought on Bruce Banner‘s transformation into the Incredible Hulk®. Maybe not so cool for the inhabitants of the Marvel Universe®, but still a kick for us fanboys watching the show! He was also the driving force behind the Titanic Teen Brigade® AND the Mighty Avengers®, and he rescued the Kree Renegade, Captain Mar-Vell®, from the Negative Zone®! He is a sensitive frustrated rock star philosopher poet! He is the thinking fans’ Snappier Carr, a Buckier Barnes, AND a Billier Batson! Fie on Rick’s detractors! Fie! Fie! Fie!
16 August 2023
The name Milhouse doesn’t seem to have much of a profile, either in literature or history overall until the advent of President Nixon. Now, of course, we might be most inclined to think of Bart’s Best Bud when we hear “Milhouse,” but while Rick was retroactively renamed “Richard Milhouse” sometime in the (Post Nixonian) Bronze Age, he first appeared as a “reckless teenager” driving his jalopy into the Gamma Bomb testing grounds in 1962. So, he was maybe sixteen then. By 1969, he is still explicitly “seventeen.” Well, comic book time. Back to 1962, then. So how is “Milhouse” justified?
Rick Jones® is the creation of Stan Lee and Jack Kirby,
and is held de jure by Marvel Comics® and Das MausenKorp®.
used without permission
Spaced…
28 July 2023
Spaced, the pleasant cashier. These are the ventures of the QuikkStopp goodies shop. His eight-hour mission, to exploit a range of junkies, to eke out a living wage and an honorable reputation. To frankly vend sucker bets to hopeless shmoes and skanky hoes.
Well, that “nose cone job” looks a lot like Christine Chapel (as portrayed by Jess Bush), but she was never a redshirt, nor even Starfleet. As far as I understand, she’s a civilian contractor, a not uncommon aspect of military industrial complexes through history.
Lieutenant Norma Jeane Monroe
28 July 2023
She’s no Admiral Ball, but I still fell in love with this graphic when I spotted it on FascBuch. Naturally I’ve exercised my easement. I believe I’m reading Lieutenant’s brass on her collar there. Trekkies who are more conversant in Starfleet protocol and insignia,
please feel encouraged to set me straight.
I agonized over “Mortensen” and “Baker” but finally settled on Monroe, as Marilyn did herself. It was, after all, her mother’s name (Gladys Pearl Monroe) before she’d married Jasper Newton Baker. Born in another time and space, I see her escaping Jim Dougherty and finding a brilliant career in Starfleet.
Waid’s Finest
14 July 2023
I don’t want to call them “Waid’s Finest” even though they just about are. For one thing, I want Mark to rest now and then so he doesn’t burn out too soon and get sick of delighting us with his wondrous gifts. Toward that effect, I also want to see what Paul Levitz and Geoff Johns can do with this Retro-Silver Redux.
And even if Mark Waid doesn’t want to share, or similarly gifted writers choose not to play here, I’m still going to soak up every book he puts out on this team. This is great stuff, and maybe the most FUN in too many drab years of gratuitous inclusion. Sure, it may not precisely be “Legs” [*1] or “Princess Ponytail” [*2], but it’s still a lot closer than I dared hope. I don’t necessarily disapprove of Robin’s covered legs, but decades of conditioning make them seem… not right. And as for Wonder Girl’s SECOND costume and hairstyle, they don’t bother me (much) either, but again, the ponytail look was just etched so deeply that the reboot seems a little false without it. These are, one, super trivial complaints and, two, probably not even in Waid’s purview as the writer. So be it.
This is good stuff! These Teen Titans have distinctive personalities that are true to decades of traditions. Waid spins a few of them in fresh directions while remaining true to core values. These are fresh-faced heroes, most of whom are trying to make their way out of the shadows of their mentors, and who are (mainly) devoid of angst. And Emanuela Lupacchino‘s artwork just glistens! She portrays their innocence AND strength with a great measure of Nick Cardy goodness and just a touch of Darwyn Cooke grace, all while channeling Curt Swan level micro-expression mastery. It’s a joy to see the Silver-Age originals, and (Bronze-Aged) Bumblebee’s inclusion is most welcome, too. With a central cast of these six, we can hold off for any appearances of later Titans. Hawk? Dove? Lilith? Mal? You bet! Later! (Red) Starfire? He may be problematic, as there’s no USSR on this new Earth in the 21st Century. However, Russia does remain very much a pariah nation in popular culture, so an updated (White) Starfire could be korosho!
I wouldn’t want to give away too much, but I will say that certain heartbreaking sequences in the storyline clarify (maybe too painfully) why a certain character just might be tempted to embrace the needle in some as yet undefined future. And YES, let’s see how that other “situationship” develops.
More please. Thar’s gold in them thar thrills! Meanwhile, I am perfectly content with calling this particular plenum of the Disparate Continua “Earth Waid” (though I remain open to “Earth W”.)
References
[*1]: “Legs” was Barbara Gordon’s pet name for Robin (Batman Family 16, March 1978.)
[*2]: “Princess Ponytail” is MY pet name for “Wonder Chick” [*3] (my fevered brow, 2007).
[*3]: “Wonder Chick” is Speedy’s pet name for Wonder Girl (if you don’t know by now you’re not fanboy enough to have read this far).
Wonder Girl®, Robin®, Bumblebee®, Kid Flash®, Aqualad®, and Speedy® are the creations and/or de jure properties of DC Comics® and WarnerCom® and are used here without permission.
And the Internet Restoreth
9 July 2023
I am retarded, particularly as regards to cybernetics. I was taught to speak English as a very young child, and it canalized an expectation of structure that has plagued me since. I’ve been informed that English is among the most difficult of languages to learn, but since it is my milk tongue, I don’t remember the struggle. My parents and older brother have all confirmed that there were initial concerns about my cognitive abilities, as I did not speak for well past the most common norms. Eventually, I seemed to have come through, finally demonstrating both proper grammar AND genteel table etiquette when I said, “Please pass the potatoes.”
Later, because I was considered “bright,” I was thrust into a seventh-grade French class. I did okeh at first with pronunciation and a little vocabulary. Then they hit me with a peculiar grammar that seemed upside-down and inside-out. That constitutes my sole SCHOLASTIC failure in life.
Anyway, I spent many pleasant hours processing various photocopied images to produce the collage above. Visiting a Legion of Super-Heroes oriented website, I attempted to post my effort, and failed. But a fellow fanboy messaged me and said that if I e-messaged it to him, he would post it. So I did, and he did. Later, the computer containing the digital file died, and I reckon that it, and many others, remains locked in that obsolete box of frustration. I thought it was lost to me until I could find a savant sufficiently versed in this arcana to retrieve the lost files and find me another processing program that i can use. so far nothing…
Then I saw it on-line. My work! At last returned to me! I snared a copy, so now I am somewhat restored, though my many other files remain out of my poor reach. But hallelujah anyhow, as IT weasels taketh away, and the internet restoreth.
Meanwhile, WordPress® and its many shills continue to resist my solicitations for aid. Why can’t IT weasels label their “help key” with something actually helpful? Like “Help?”
The Brains of the Legion
25 June 2023
according to correspondent Fontgeont OlegOnt, “Brainiac 5 is the smartest of the Legion but who is Second? Saturn Girl would know Brainy’s thoughts but once she detaches, she would not be able to remember. XS may be a faster thinker. If you put Brainiac 5 and XS in a Library, within 20 Seconds, XS is going to have read all of the Entire Library. Some would argue that XS may be quicker than Brainy but she wouldn’t store all the knowledge of these Books.“
Oleg gives both Saturn Girl and XS too little credit. I wouldn’t fault their memories, necessarily, nor their comprehension, but I still think Brainy’s MUCH smarter. XS could surely soak up data faster, but still not process it as efficiently as Brainy’s 12th level intellect, nor exhibit the same creative gestalt. 2nd would be Lyle, inventor of the invisibility serum, or Mon-El, creator of the anti-gravity mineral used by Brainy in the flight rings. Contenders are Imra, of course, and Nura Nal (whose mastery of Naltorian super-science allowed her to perform an “add-an-e-to-me” on Ayla’s lightning power, transforming it into a lightening power. Reep and Vi are master strategists, but they also lack Brainy’s and Mon’s and Lyle’s creative spark, whereas Chuck and Tinya are probably tied for the highest social IQs of the bunch.
correspondent Gotjufvomu Djuxiogz clarifies for us: “Dream Girl is second only to Brainy at general sciences. Mon-El is second only to Brainy in bio-sciences. Lyle Norg is second only to Brainy at chemistry.” But I think Djux neglects Mon-El’s superior skills at particle physics and quantum chemistry. Again, he DID create that anti-gravity mineral, after all.
correspondent Tygujeom Jokawe adds, “Lyle Norg, Jacques Focart, and Condo Arlik, all purty big brains…” Well, Lyle, yeah, definitely, but Invisible Kid II? Jacques Focart is indeed a valiant Legionnaire who is able to use Lyle’s invisibility serum to tactical and strategic advantage, but so far he hasn’t exhibited any other extraordinary mental abilities beyond “Legion normal” (admittedly, an already rarefied class) that would justify such a claim. But my memory is not perfect, and I would welcome any citations that Jokawe might like to offer. And as for Chemical King, unfortunately, Condo Arlik was only ever as smart as his writers, and too many of them misunderstood his catalytic powers. His Legion training would have been steeped in chemistry so as to best exploit his gifts, and too few writers understood that.
The Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers
31 May 2023
Happy 83rd Birthday to Gilbert Shelton, creator of
the Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers.
Shelton’s Freak Brothers first appeared in The Rag,
published in Austin in 1968, and in their own title in 1971,
which has subsequently gone world wide.
Today he’s sold more than 45 million copies.
Light one up for a legend!
“Dope will get you through times of no money better than money will get you through times of no dope.” — Free-Wheelin’ Franklin
“Me out! Me out, prowl now!
Idiots.” — Fat Freddy’s Cat