Happy Blowback Day!

11 September 2023

Make a wish and blow down a tower!
You too can take on “The Axis of Evil!”

It’s the most opportune day for the Feds!
For years we’re inviting
A pretext for fighting
To feather our beds!
And it only cost us a mere
Three thousand dead!

(meter stolen from Pola & Wyle)

4 May 1999 — for Eric & Dylan
He’s a thrillin’, chillin’, blood-spillin’ villain,
And you like him a lot, dontcha?
He’s mad and he’s bad and your attitude’s sad,
Cause you think that he’s hot, dontcha?
He’d cut you and rape you,
He’d slice you and scrape you,
He’d film you and shoot you and tape you.
You think he’s a hit with his serrated wit,
You’re a nihilist twit, aintchoo?

Gettin’ Their Peace Freak On!

9 September 2023

I hadn’t been so excited about a Dan DeCarlo story since I scored the damaged but mostly complete 1955 issue of Millie the Model® for cheap from the bargain box! That was cover-to-cover goodness of some of DeCarlo‘s finest, undiminished in the slightest by Stan Lee‘s bad gags.

The Best of Archie® Musical Madness is a trade paperback reprint and is no bargain at $13.99US* (*unbacked securities). But with 256 somewhat (25%) reduced pages, it’s still competitive with new material, but features a lot of classic DeCarlo and many of his lesser (though better than most) colleagues’ work from 1967 forward.
But that’s not the exciting part.

I was eleven in 1967, or 12 when The Archies® debuted on teevee in 1968, so Betty and Veronica (and Midge, and Josie, Valerie, and Melody, and Sabrina, of course) were early entrants into this adolescent fanboy’s spank bank. (Oh! And SamanthaBingo Wilkin‘s girlfriend, and Batgirl, and Princess Ponytail too!)
And that’s still not the exciting part.

It’s pretty much what I expected.
Light-hearted fun. Simple, inconsequential fluff pieces with musical themes touching on topics of the day and cameos from “realworld” techs’n’execs, with stories propelled by Monkeesesque absurdist hijinx and forced rhymes.
Fun and satisfying, sure. But, not exciting yet.

I picked up the book again this afternoon to dip in. I ration myself sometimes. It keeps things fresh. While Alice’s Restaurant played itself out, I read a silly little Sabrina story, crafted by writer George Gladir and ably illustrated by Bill Vigoda and Chic Stone. Chuckling at both Arlo and George as I finished it, I flipped the page and DeCarlo’s reproduction of the cover depicted above seized me by the throat. Archie and the gang drafted? What did writer Dick Malmgren have planned for us? I closed the book before I began to hyperventilate and I told myself, I have to wait for this. Archie in the Army.
This is big. This is important. This is exciting.

Look, I know, you know, and every other remotely semi-intelligent fanboy knows that Arch and Jug will never get killed in combat, let alone ever finish high school. So, this was Not a Hoax! Not a Dream! Not for Real! This had to be an Imaginary What If Story from some other Elseworld in the multi-Archiverse. But it was still Important. Not to drop any spoilers about what may or may not have happened to Reggie on the Group W Bench, but I will tell you that it does feature many characters peacefully protesting America’s engagement in Vietnam, though never actually mentioning the nation by name. It also features a Hippie Seditionist who suborns felonies by urging Arch et al to burn their draft cards and to refuse to report for induction. Of course, this story being constrained by the Comics Code Authority, such a suggestion is quickly countered by Archie’s admonition that one must work within the system. So, on one level, it was “balanced” puerile pap, beautifully illustrated. On another, it was deftly subversive. For all the Code’s obeisance to “the authorities” Malmgren nevertheless managed to get Hippie Seditionist to say “You don’t see the politicians risking their lives on a battlefield! Why should you? You have as much right to stay alive as they do!” Later, Archie himself refers to the Vietnam conflict as “a senseless war.” This may seem like pretty tame stuff in 2023, but in 1971 the weight of the Code was heavy and burdensome. Even so, Malmgren’s story expresses the fatigue that Americans were feeling. By then almost everybody knew someone whose brother or cousin had been killed in action. The war was grinding on and people were getting sick of it.

And sad to say, THAT’s exciting.

in addition to its original presentation in Everything’s Archie #16 (October 1971),
“Summer Prayer for Peace” has been reprinted in
The Best of Dan DeCarlo #2 (March 2011),
The Best of Archie Comics #4 (August 2014),
World of Archie Double Digest #51 (August 2015),
Archie 1000 Page Comics Jam (2015),
Archie Spotlight Digest: Archie 75th Anniversary Digest (2017), &
The Best of Archie Musical Madness (2023).

The Grand Comics Database refers to this story thus: “A rare example of Archie expressing political views, both against the Vietnam War and against violent protests. The title of the story comes from a song released by The Archies on the album ‘Sunshine,’ one of the most serious and ambitious songs by the group.”  Herewith, the lyric:

“A Summer Prayer for Peace” — by Jeff Barry
Three billion people together forever,
Three billion people sing a summer prayer for peace.
Oh look, look around you, see what you have done.
Where’s the world that God intended
With love for everyone?
Sing, sing of freedom,
Sing a song of joy.
Altogether making better
What some would destroy.
How will it end? How will it end? How will it end?
Amen, amen, a—men!

Okeh, surely Jeff Barry‘s no Bobby Darin, but his passion is just as real, and he’s following Bobby’s admonition to “sing a song of freedom. Sing it like you’ve never sung before. Let it fill the air, tell the people everywhere, that we the people here don’t want a war!”


Rigger, Please!

26 August 2023

It’s not my favorite mug shot, but it’s definitely a contender. I think Randy Travis’ and Rosa Parks’ and John McAfee’s all eclipse El Donaldo’s, though he easily stands shoulder to shoulder with Johnny Cash and Lenny Bruce and George Carlin, but no one’s ever come close to David Bowie’s misadventures in Rochester.

Nevertheless, the public domain image depicted above is a glittering lustrous gift to Mr Trump’s campaign and to legions of enterprising swag-mongers, who are already shopping merch across the fruited plains.

In other news, leftists continue to discover right wing racist dog whistles. The latest is “Rigger.” A noun derived from the verb “to rig,” meaning, “one who rigs,” as in, the Prez sez, “Don’t let those Riggers get away with it.”

But what if I were grateful for the rigging. And felt affectionate toward one who had rigged on my behalf. Wouldn’t he be “My Rigga?”

29 September 2023

And as for those of us who delight in Leftists’ anguish over the Great Orange Beast, let it be said that, “He’s our Nigga ’cause he’s yo’ Trigga!”

My Nigga

17 August 2023

I am wary of facial tattoos. A lot of important social information is conveyed by facial expressions, and jewelry, makeup, and tattoos all obscure that. Which aggravates my already considerable social disadvantages, so I generally don’t care for them. To the extent that people who care to discolor or disfigure their faces know this makes the behavior potentially deliberate and underhanded. But not certain.

I get over my bias with regular customers, of course. Steady association with good behavior goes a long way toward allaying my concerns, and I’ve even become friendly with a couple. New fellow came in last night with some elaborate work around the outer orbital of one eye socket, and he was so utterly charming, and charmed by my routine, that when he left, I think he actually gave me permission to refer to him as “my nigga.”

My “usual routine” consists of spoofing both our bankster owners and the users of “electric leashes” (aka cash-apped telephones) and it often provokes many customers to laughing. (It can provoke a few angry fans, too, but that’s a different and sadder story.) This guy (I should point out that he was “black”) just about fell over when I said that F’eral Reserve Notes “stick together like the criminals who print them.”

“You all right, bro!” He smiled as I gave him his goods and his change, and we bumped fists. “Anybody give you shit, you tell ’em, ‘You deal with my nigga, Oxibbit,’ a’ight?”

We shook hands and I said, “Thanks Ox! Be well,” and he left, still chuckling. Another regular customer who was already familiar with my routine came up with his stuff and we smiled at each other and at Oxibbit‘s retreating form. “I think that fellow just gave me permission to call him ‘my nigga,'” I said.

“Does that mean I get to call him ‘your nigga?'” he asked me.

“I guess. That makes sense. Anybody can say anything, actually, but we should also be prepared to accept some consequences for what we say. You get fresh with my Mom and she slaps you, I’m probably gonna cheer her on.”

He laughed and we agreed that while the modularity of English was clear and convenient, social circumspection was also wise. Oxibbit and I may be cool, but his bros may not be aware of that, so I’ll continue to adhere to the FCN rule (about usually not saying Fuck or Cunt or Nigger in front of strangers who aren’t here for my act.)

Senator Clampett

10 July 2023

‘Pears I been droppin’ my hook in a fished out crick.”
Jed Clampett

As an ideologue, my favorite living Senator is Rand Paul, but as a fan of wit and rhetorical grace, my current favorite is John Kennedy. His folksy erudition makes me think of Dennis Miller delivering the morning farm report.

The Task Sheet

10 August 2023
One of my favorite ways of obeying middle management martinets is accurately, thoroughly, and literally.
They usually hate that.
I recall one job (or I may be conflating two or more managers into one) wherein I was directed to account for the time I spent on all of my maintenance tasks for the day. I was firmly informed that filling out these task sheets was now a part of my job, and that compliance was required. Fine by me; it’s their dough, they get to decide how they’re going to spend it. And I’m not a prisoner, so if I want their dough to become mine, I should behave the way they direct, even if I think it is wasteful, foolish, or counter-productive. After about a week the “time sheet” requirement was rescinded. Maybe they didn’t like that just about every other line of mine was accounting for the time that it took to account for the time that it takes to account for time.

18 August 2023
Customers and coworkers often accuse me of being busy and industrious and as having an obvious “Can Do” attitude. I can think of at least two ex-wives, and maybe a couple more former arch nemeses who might disagree, at least with the “busy and industrious” part, and I disagree altogether. I am lazy. I consider it to be one of my fundamental virtues. I am lazy and wise, and I realize that it is generally much easier to do things properly and carefully than to do them over. Also, I’m stubborn, not a fundamental virtue necessarily, but at least a derivative one, so it’s not so much that I have a “Can Do” spirit, but a “fuck you if you think I can’t” attitude instead.

Donald Trump is Corrupt

28 July 2023

Your Average Democrat is worse than corrupt.
Your Average Democrat, and (to a somewhat lesser extent)
Your Average Republican are usually sincere and committed. For the most part, they actually believe that what they propose is good for you!

This is why, from a “choice” of “public servants,” I prefer corruption to commitment. The corrupt have a built-in motive to not get caught so they can continue their graft. This restrains them. The committed are convinced that they are doing good. This encourages them to do more damage, so they keep it up until the empire is wasted.

Donald Trump is corrupt.
Your Average Democrat is worse than corrupt.
Jobamala is worse than Your Average Democrat.

Ya Got Me!

15 July 2023

I thought I didn’t care, but apparently, with its expanding and extending new definitions (much like Topsy), “white supremacism” and “white privilege” have embraced me. So I guess I am. But I guess that would also make me an anti-Semitic kike and a misogynistic bitch. Okeh, if you like…

And the Internet Restoreth

9 July 2023

I am retarded, particularly as regards to cybernetics. I was taught to speak English as a very young child, and it canalized an expectation of structure that has plagued me since. I’ve been informed that English is among the most difficult of languages to learn, but since it is my milk tongue, I don’t remember the struggle. My parents and older brother have all confirmed that there were initial concerns about my cognitive abilities, as I did not speak for well past the most common norms. Eventually, I seemed to have come through, finally demonstrating both proper grammar AND genteel table etiquette when I said, “Please pass the potatoes.”

Later, because I was considered “bright,” I was thrust into a seventh-grade French class. I did okeh at first with pronunciation and a little vocabulary. Then they hit me with a peculiar grammar that seemed upside-down and inside-out. That constitutes my sole SCHOLASTIC failure in life.

Anyway, I spent many pleasant hours processing various photocopied images to produce the collage above. Visiting a Legion of Super-Heroes oriented website, I attempted to post my effort, and failed. But a fellow fanboy messaged me and said that if I e-messaged it to him, he would post it. So I did, and he did. Later, the computer containing the digital file died, and I reckon that it, and many others, remains locked in that obsolete box of frustration. I thought it was lost to me until I could find a savant sufficiently versed in this arcana to retrieve the lost files and find me another processing program that i can use. so far nothing…

Then I saw it on-line. My work! At last returned to me! I snared a copy, so now I am somewhat restored, though my many other files remain out of my poor reach. But hallelujah anyhow, as IT weasels taketh away, and the internet restoreth.

Meanwhile, WordPress® and its many shills continue to resist my solicitations for aid. Why can’t IT weasels label their “help key” with something actually helpful? Like “Help?”