A Certified Drug Dealer

2 July 2023

I am now a certified drug dealer.

I recently received a letter from the IRS. Not one of those scary, “You are being audited” letters. Just a formality, I guess, advising me that part of my “overpayment” was being applied to my “underpaid” 2020 tax “bill.” I’d been thrown out of my job for declining to pretend I was a surgeon, and so began to draw down my allegedly “tax sheltered” IRA. In fact, that’s what I lived on throughout 2021, also, so I didn’t file for that year either. Anyway, the clerks at Treasury finally caught on (meaning I filed for 2022) and decided it was time to settle up. Well, so be it, they weren’t threatening an audit or prison romance, so pretty mundane, right?

What the letter did NOT mention, however, was the “occupation” claim that I’d made. For years, my accountant would file my tax returns for me using her vast skills and superior software. It was a great convenience, and I remain grateful for her help. I’ve spent the last several years covering the groceries and electric through my involvement with extortion, drugs, and organized gambling. I work retail and sell cigarettes, beer, and lottery tickets, while also collecting “sales tax.” Now I don’t feel at all guilty about facilitating people’s gambling or drug habits, and I don’t even feel any guilt over collecting the taxes either, ’cause if we didn’t, The Mob would shut us down. And if we resisted, they would kill us. Nevertheless, when it came time to claim an occupation, I figured “drug dealer” would be the most accurate and brief description. My accountant didn’t care for that, so she always insisted that I claim “writer” instead. Well, her price at the time was right, and it’s not untrue besides. In fact, one could argue that every time I sell a book, I’m “making money” as a writer, but sales have yet to exceed printing costs, so it always felt a little disingenuous, whereas “drug dealer” was TRUE. Well, my former accountant (and former arch nemesis) no longer files my taxes, and has not since I lost the previous job in 2020. So when I filed this spring, there was no reason that I could see not to tell the fuller truth. I am a drug dealer, and I am proud of that, because I’ve never misrepresented either the drugs or the sucker bets that I’ve sold. And it turns out the IRS doesn’t care, as long as I file, and they get what they believe is theirs. And since they’ve still got LOTS more guns than I have, I’m going to continue to appear to obey. (There are TWO ways to “appear to obey.” One is to actually obey, and the other is not. And I am not going to incriminate myself here by indicating exactly HOW I “appear to obey” and I won’t ask you either.)

Anyway, as to my “certification…”
The certificate in question is my latest 1040, written in my own hand, with the words “Drug Dealer” printed on the “occupation” line.

The Brains of the Legion

25 June 2023

according to correspondent Fontgeont OlegOnt, Brainiac 5 is the smartest of the Legion but who is Second? Saturn Girl would know Brainy’s thoughts but once she detaches, she would not be able to remember. XS may be a faster thinker. If you put Brainiac 5 and XS in a Library, within 20 Seconds, XS is going to have read all of the Entire Library. Some would argue that XS may be quicker than Brainy but she wouldn’t store all the knowledge of these Books.

Oleg gives both Saturn Girl and XS too little credit. I wouldn’t fault their memories, necessarily, nor their comprehension, but I still think Brainy’s MUCH smarter. XS could surely soak up data faster, but still not process it as efficiently as Brainy’s 12th level intellect, nor exhibit the same creative gestalt. 2nd would be Lyle, inventor of the invisibility serum, or Mon-El, creator of the anti-gravity mineral used by Brainy in the flight rings. Contenders are Imra, of course, and Nura Nal (whose mastery of Naltorian super-science allowed her to perform an “add-an-e-to-me” on Ayla’s lightning power, transforming it into a lightening power. Reep and Vi are master strategists, but they also lack Brainy’s and Mon’s and Lyle’s creative spark, whereas Chuck and Tinya are probably tied for the highest social IQs of the bunch.

correspondent Gotjufvomu Djuxiogz clarifies for us: “Dream Girl is second only to Brainy at general sciences. Mon-El is second only to Brainy in bio-sciences. Lyle Norg is second only to Brainy at chemistry.” But I think Djux neglects Mon-El’s superior skills at particle physics and quantum chemistry. Again, he DID create that anti-gravity mineral, after all.

correspondent Tygujeom Jokawe adds, “Lyle Norg, Jacques Focart, and Condo Arlik, all purty big brains…” Well, Lyle, yeah, definitely, but Invisible Kid II? Jacques Focart is indeed a valiant Legionnaire who is able to use Lyle’s invisibility serum to tactical and strategic advantage, but so far he hasn’t exhibited any other extraordinary mental abilities beyond “Legion normal” (admittedly, an already rarefied class) that would justify such a claim. But my memory is not perfect, and I would welcome any citations that Jokawe might like to offer. And as for Chemical King, unfortunately, Condo Arlik was only ever as smart as his writers, and too many of them misunderstood his catalytic powers. His Legion training would have been steeped in chemistry so as to best exploit his gifts, and too few writers understood that.

Hotez Bears the WHO

230624
(by Doctor Staccato)

Joe Rogan knows a showman shows,
And Rogan shows how much he knows,
But when his lack to him occurs,
To wiser heads he then defers.
But Hotez knows to go with flows,
And yield conclusions presupposed,
To carry forth his sponsors’ products:
Placebos palliating addicts.

230314
I have levels of genius that I don’t understand.
Vague chaotic notions sound much like a plan.
I thought the code should speak for itself,
That flow charts? Just a scam.
So I retreat to my mother tongue,
And parse as best I can.

230715
(meter stolen from Quincy Jones)
Goin’ Trekkin’!
Goin’ Trekkin’ to the stars!
You Big Dummy!
You don’t know your butt from Mars!
It’s no wonder this ship’s such a dump!

230718
(meter stolen from Tracey Chapman)
Tracey’s not a ray-ay-cist!
The left’s upset ’cause she’s not offended
That Luke covered her song,
So she gets dough and more Google mentions.

090417
(meter stolen from Vera Matson & Lionel Newman)
From the cat-fur face on the front of her head,
To the tip of her fuzzy tay-al,
She cries and whines and snivels and moans,
And then begins to wail.
Silly Milli was a dilly,
She went a-runnin’ willy nilly!
With her eyes on fire
Aand her tail flyin’ higher than me!
Silly Milli what dilly!
She goes runnin’ willy nilly does she!

230728
( reflections upon a photograph of a
Former Arch Nemesis, My Mom, and Her Dog,
as channeled through Doctor Staccato
[being the lost love child of Ted Geisel and Ben Cerf]: )

Depicted here we see so proud,
The Beauties and The Bitch.
To speculate is not allowed
Of whether which is which?

“Globetard” Confessions

15 June 2023

I proudly wear the labels “Globetard,” “Trumpie,” “Fascist,” “Racist,” and “Lib-Rull,” because, algebraically analyzed, scorn from fools is equivalent to praise from sages.

That doesn’t mean that I necessarily agree with these fools (or sages). In fact, I delight in pointing out their factual (and other cognitive) errors. In my pursuit of technical degrees (I took two from Beaver Tech: Physics and Mechanical Engineering), I was acquainted (and conversant) with some rather exotic mathematical processes, involving negative energies, imaginary numbers, and orthogonal time vectors. Fortunately, none of these higher maths are necessary to understanding the Heliocentric Model (of which I am a “Believer”). Even more fortunately, the Heliocentric Model describes (AND PREDICTS) observable celestial phenomena to a degree and accuracy unmatched by any Flat Earth Model yet presented. In that light then, let me examine their view of the typical “Globetard” (see graphic above.)

Item 1: As an atheist I don’t “deny” God’s Creation any more than I “deny” Superman’s Kryptonian origins or Doctor Doom’s maleficent intent. I simply don’t believe some things because they are not believable. They’re often attractive and desirable, but that doesn’t make them credible. I LOVE the message of The Christ, and I try to follow most of it, but I still can’t get over that high curb of incredulity. If I could actually achieve the comforts of belief, why wouldn’t I? If it were volitional. As an empiricist, I evaluate the evidence and the reasoning, and I accept the explanations that provide the best answers while raising the fewest new questions. The honest scientist reaches a point where he must say, “I don’t know.” This is where the mystic says, “God did it.”

Item 2: I have no idea what an “unobservable theory” might be. All theories are observed by the minds who conceive them and by the minds who ponder them. Many theories deal with phenomena that are not DIRECTLY observed, but their effects are. I’ve never seen an electron, but I infer their existence based on the behavior of electrical devices that are consistent with (and predictable from) electromotive theory. I’ve met electricians who believed in both electrons AND their Gods, and they exhibited no difficulty in reconciling the notions with each other.

Item 3 may disqualify me altogether, as I have not even seen an episode of “Ancient Aliens.” However, I believe I am acquainted, through Meme-Space, with its wild-haired presenter/provocateur. Unless that’s some other scientismic foolishness. They do seem to blend together.

Item 4: The tangential speed of the Earth’s surface in the tropics is indeed approximately “1000mph,” and it approaches zero as we near the poles. I lived in Hawaii for several years and never felt that speed. Nor should I have. We don’t feel velocity, even in a jet aircraft nearing the speed of sound. We feel acceleration, and the only acceleration associated with our rotational rate of fifteen degrees per hour is both parallel to the effects of gravitation, and thoroughly overshadowed by it. Okeh, there’s also that coriolis effect when we move orthogonally to rotation, but that’s also pretty much washed out by greater forces. It does become relevant, however, in long-range ballistics, as many a Gunnery Sergeant can attest.

Item 5: My bong (a cherished memento from my late little brother) does depend on gravity (and the attentiveness of stoners) to keep the water in its bottom, and because of the different densities of fluids and gases, gravity allows my bong to operate efficiently. But it’s a better demonstration of fluid dynamics than of celestial mechanics, so I fail to grasp this point (see also “unobservable theory.”) Maybe our use of “Gravity Bongs” renders us unreliable analysts.

Item 6: I don’t have to troll “FE sites.” Flerfers and troofers and other confabulists seek me out because I articulate many criticisms of orthodoxy. I am often looked upon as a fellow traveler by a host of loons. When flerfers do show up to spar, I’ll gleefully engage them. Not to reinforce any “brainwashing” of my own, but to shred theirs. And for sport, of course. Nits deserve to have their wits picked.

Item 7: Never having considered “FE Truthers” to be any more monolithic than cultists in general, I’ve long realized the degree of variety among human “needs,” for acclaim, for satisfaction, or for some sense of responsibility. As a consequence, it neither shocks nor surprises me that some flerfers will blow off inquiries, whereas others will wrestle each point to the ground.

Item 8: Like many an educated globetard, I’m long past questioning why the visible planets were named after “Pagan gods.” As the few spots of light in the sky that were not tied to the general mass of fixed stars, they were clearly special, and not of our ground bound world. And not just “other planets” either. Earth (or Terra, or Gaia), like Luna (or Diana or Selene), is a Pagan god herself. This item feels more like approbation than excoriation.

Item 9: I’ve never asked why things “don’t fall off the edge.”
However, I have wondered why cats haven’t pushed everything off.

Item 10: For all I know, the Big Bong went CLUNK. Considering the density of the Ylem at the time, I can’t even imagine what sound would have meant, let alone positing the existence of an auditory mechanism to process and present it to a consciousness. And whether (as the maths do not deny) the “Big Bang” was a singularity, or yet another oscillation of a greater plenary membrane (as the maths do not deny), if you include the caveat “I don’t know” you can call it Black Magic, or Plenary Theory, or Divine Intervention, all with equal credibility. But to savvy math geeks, Plenary Theory’s in the lead. There are also savvy math geeks who lean toward Divinity. So far I haven’t heard from any Black Magic advocates. This item might be described as a “Straw Wizard argument.” Anyway, whatever the cause, I’m still pretty sure there was no “BOOM.”

‘Merica’s Spankin’

8 June 2023

On this date in 1967, thirty-four brave Americans (thirty-one sailors, two marines, and one spook) aboard the USS Liberty sailing international waters in the Eastern Mediterranean, heroically sacrificed themselves to insure that America’s foreign policy would remain firmly in the grip of our Zionist masters. Lyin’ Lyndon later groveled for forgiveness. Fortunately, no actual Israelis were inconvenienced by this operation.

The Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers

31 May 2023

Happy 83rd Birthday to Gilbert Shelton, creator of
the Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers. ​​​​​​​​
​​​​​​Shelton’s Freak Brothers first appeared in The Rag,
published in Austin in 1968, and in their own title in 1971,
which has subsequently gone world wide.
Today he’s sold more than 45 million copies.​​​​​​​​
​​​​​​​​Light one up for a legend!

Dope will get you through times of no money better than money will get you through times of no dope.” — Free-Wheelin’ Franklin

Me out! Me out, prowl now!
Idiots.” — Fat Freddy’s Cat

Worse than Hitler

(with affection and respect, to Gilbert)

31 May 2023 — I may as well just declare my support for “Worse-than-Hitler” now, since my remaining leftie friends (and surviving leftie relatives) will simply assume again that that’s my position.

correspondent Jinivjot Jut suggests that I’ve “always been a fake.”

Maybe, but if I were, I’d hardly admit it. The thing is, I don’t know yet whom “Worse-than-Hitler” might be, but I am confident that once he is selected, leftie loons will long for the days of “sensible” Republicans like Dubya or Ronald Ray-gunzzzzzzzzah!

correspondent BA has “to laugh. You don’t fit the profile of a typical “Worse-than-Hitler” supporter. They are nearly all authoritarians, whether the aggressive Proud Boy types or passive followers. And if you’re longing for ‘sensible’ Republicans, you’ll have to look back way past Ronzo to Ike or maybe Taft.”

Taft certainly. And Coolidge. (And Goldwater was fun, but erratic.) Otherwise, they’re mainly frauds, including Ike. Somehow many statists conflate anarchists with authoritarians, as many mystics conflate atheists with satanists. After all, aren’t we all just “extremists” anyway? And in fact, because of the criteria we’ve just delineated, YOU fit the profile (from their corrupt perspective) of the same “radical” type. Ron Paul and Harry Browne et al were all “Worse-than-Hitler” each in their own times. Multiple campus meetings and county fair type outreach events have shown me just how deep and enduring is the fear and hatred of libertarians, whether they use a Libertutionist or a Demoblican party vehicle.

Golly, I wouldn’t be surprised if RFK2 were deemed “Worse-than-Hitler” as he also challenges orthodoxy AND the war machine (aka “the MIC,” the “Deep State,” or “Blue Anon.”) But as a peacenik coward I expect I’ll be requesting a Democrat ballot in my state’s open primary. That’ll make three in a row! Not bad for “Worse-than-Hitler.”

The Nolan Chart

29 May 2023

Many have seen them. They’re usually printed on business sized cards. Some pass them out at state and county fairs, at political events or around campus. Its few questions boil down respondents’ political and economic opinions and plot them across the sociometric spectrum. I think it’s actually a pretty fair representation of people’s attitudes.

Some people hate it; correspondent Jypent Moupvil asks, “Where’s American? What happened to anarchy? Is that in the middle? I guess the idiot who made this would put Nazi on the right when Nazi means National Socialist German Workers Party.”

Nazis are clearly in the “Authoritarian” quadrant nearest the bottom whereas we anarchists are clustered at the very tippy top.

Moup objects: “Anarchy is on the right. I’m a constitutionalist. I’m in the middle. I believe you must have balance and equilibrium. I don’t like the law of the jungle.”

Well I AM an anarchist, and that puts me at the very tippy top of that graph advocating for 100% economic AND 100% personal freedom. We are more libertarian than Libertarians, more conservative than Right-wingers, and more liberal than Leftists. Anything less is statism.

And of course I’ve said it for decades; libertarian anarchists look down equally on both the Left and the Right. And yes, I have been advised, by the eagerly aggrieved, just how dismissive and contemptuous it is to “look down” on others. Well, that’s just Mazel Tough! Down is the perfectly appropriate metaphorical direction to look upon the base and the corrupt.

Dear Cruel World,

17 May 2023

You were wrong, and I was right, and I’m sorry.
I’ve learned that some offenses can never be forgiven, and that being right, and therefore out of step with the rest of the world, is pretty close to the worst.

“About what?” one may ask. Take your pick: Vietnam, Iraq, Afghanistan, Mitt McCain, Syria, Russia, Ukraine, the DEA, ATF, IRS, CIA, FBI, SARS, MERS, Wuhan Flu? I would love to have been wrong about any one of those issues. (Well, not about diseases I guess. I’m actually glad I was right about how relatively undangerous they were. If anything, there I was overly cautious.) But in matters geopolitical or interpersonal, I wish people could disappoint me more. That would be truly refreshing.

addendum 230518 — and draft registration, and the PATRIOT Act, and the Departments of Education, Energy, HUD, and the EPA….

addendum 230519 — AND you* killed my mom. And I’m still sorry.
(*via your ilk)

addendum 230524 — Creative readers and other cognitive failures may misconstrue my latest header as “suicide friendly.” That may be wishful thinking for all I know, but more sober readers should know that I am about as suicidal as Vince Foster or Jeffrey Epstein. But fortunately not as threatening to the Democrat party.
Continuing contraindications of suicidal tendencies are such data as my recent successful surgery (6 March 2023) to correct an inguinal hernia, whereupon both my surgeon and I were pleased to learn that I was NOT the anomaly that was going to spoil his perfect record. And today, I have finally lifted myself from the ground to my tenth floor suite by way of my own muscle power. I’d made it a policy to walk DOWN regularly since moving in here a year ago, but never took the time to ascend. The elevator is just so tempting! Still, I am naturally sedentary, so I must trick myself into exercise that is not mind-numbingly tedious. Walking is good for that. And to be perfectly honest, I may have cheated a bit. There are four stairwells in this building, and I use them all. Walking up today I would climb one flight, walk that floor to the next well, and repeat. I’ve yet to do all ten flights from the basement, but I am typically there with laundry and late at night after other work, so the grand tour seems less desirable. However, as a soothing palliative to my systemic “CDO” (in alphabetical order, the way it’s S’POSED TA BE), I’m just gonna have to gut that one out.
Your friend and mine, the non-suicidal Lethargy Lad
(aka Chef Laurent or Rector Lawrence or Gene Greigh or The General Cashier or, just recently, Safari Lehr*) ((*who bears a striking resemblance to The Gay Cowboy, but with a different hat))

Genetic Roulette

4 May 2023

It’s funny. I’ve loved Eric Roberts‘ work since I first recognized him. “Fuckin’ A” did he deliver in “Runaway Train“! Julia Roberts however, I can barely abide, though I loved her performance in “Hook” (Essential aside: “Hook” is a stupid name for that film, irrespective of Dustin Hoffman’s reliable brilliance. The STORY is Peter’s, and would have been better named “The Lost Boy.” I know, I know, there was that earlier vampire flic starring those adorable androgynes with the similar name, but similar names abound, and the one has nothing to do with the other.) In most of her work, Julia’s characters didn’t seem to ring true, but she nailed Tink! Tinkerbell is pretty, charming, funny, fun, bright, vain, vindictive, vengeful, shallow, and jealous. Many alleged actors have a range limited to their own personalities, and I guess I hope that doesn’t include Julia Roberts. For all I know she is a perfectly nice person.