2 July 2023
I am now a certified drug dealer.
I recently received a letter from the IRS. Not one of those scary, “You are being audited” letters. Just a formality, I guess, advising me that part of my “overpayment” was being applied to my “underpaid” 2020 tax “bill.” I’d been thrown out of my job for declining to pretend I was a surgeon, and so began to draw down my allegedly “tax sheltered” IRA. In fact, that’s what I lived on throughout 2021, also, so I didn’t file for that year either. Anyway, the clerks at Treasury finally caught on (meaning I filed for 2022) and decided it was time to settle up. Well, so be it, they weren’t threatening an audit or prison romance, so pretty mundane, right?
What the letter did NOT mention, however, was the “occupation” claim that I’d made. For years, my accountant would file my tax returns for me using her vast skills and superior software. It was a great convenience, and I remain grateful for her help. I’ve spent the last several years covering the groceries and electric through my involvement with extortion, drugs, and organized gambling. I work retail and sell cigarettes, beer, and lottery tickets, while also collecting “sales tax.” Now I don’t feel at all guilty about facilitating people’s gambling or drug habits, and I don’t even feel any guilt over collecting the taxes either, ’cause if we didn’t, The Mob would shut us down. And if we resisted, they would kill us. Nevertheless, when it came time to claim an occupation, I figured “drug dealer” would be the most accurate and brief description. My accountant didn’t care for that, so she always insisted that I claim “writer” instead. Well, her price at the time was right, and it’s not untrue besides. In fact, one could argue that every time I sell a book, I’m “making money” as a writer, but sales have yet to exceed printing costs, so it always felt a little disingenuous, whereas “drug dealer” was TRUE. Well, my former accountant (and former arch nemesis) no longer files my taxes, and has not since I lost the previous job in 2020. So when I filed this spring, there was no reason that I could see not to tell the fuller truth. I am a drug dealer, and I am proud of that, because I’ve never misrepresented either the drugs or the sucker bets that I’ve sold. And it turns out the IRS doesn’t care, as long as I file, and they get what they believe is theirs. And since they’ve still got LOTS more guns than I have, I’m going to continue to appear to obey. (There are TWO ways to “appear to obey.” One is to actually obey, and the other is not. And I am not going to incriminate myself here by indicating exactly HOW I “appear to obey” and I won’t ask you either.)
Anyway, as to my “certification…”
The certificate in question is my latest 1040, written in my own hand, with the words “Drug Dealer” printed on the “occupation” line.