Month: July 2023

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Rick Jones or Snapper Carr?

30 July 2023

Please.
I could countenance a comparison between Mary Ann® and Ginger®, or maybe choosing a favorite Bradley Daughter®. Those particular cuties would indeed be worthy competitors (assuming competition were warranted), but to compare Richard Milhouse Jones to Lucas Robert Carr is a gimme on the order of Marilyn Monroe versus Eleanor Roosevelt. Not that Snapper and Eleanor couldn’t be nice characters in their own right, but seriously… It is not a fair comparison.

But what has Snapper Carr done? Well, he discovered that certain combinations of common calcium oxides and hydroxides (“lime”) could stop alien mind control. That’s cool.
Later, he betrayed the Justice League®. Not so cool.

Whereas Rick is THE Sidekick Supreme! His reckless disregard for authority and his desire to wave his dick at his teen buddies brought on Bruce Banner‘s transformation into the Incredible Hulk®. Maybe not so cool for the inhabitants of the Marvel Universe®, but still a kick for us fanboys watching the show! He was also the driving force behind the Titanic Teen Brigade® AND the Mighty Avengers®, and he rescued the Kree Renegade, Captain Mar-Vell®, from the Negative Zone®! He is a sensitive frustrated rock star philosopher poet! He is the thinking fans’ Snappier Carr, a Buckier Barnes, AND a Billier Batson! Fie on Rick’s detractors! Fie! Fie! Fie!

16 August 2023

The name Milhouse doesn’t seem to have much of a profile, either in literature or history overall until the advent of President Nixon. Now, of course, we might be most inclined to think of Bart’s Best Bud when we hear “Milhouse,” but while Rick was retroactively renamed “Richard Milhouse” sometime in the (Post Nixonian) Bronze Age, he first appeared as a “reckless teenager” driving his jalopy into the Gamma Bomb testing grounds in 1962. So, he was maybe sixteen then. By 1969, he is still explicitly “seventeen.” Well, comic book time. Back to 1962, then. So how is “Milhouse” justified?

Rick Jones® is the creation of Stan Lee and Jack Kirby,
and is held de jure by Marvel Comics® and Das MausenKorp®.
used without permission

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Donald Trump is Corrupt

28 July 2023

Your Average Democrat is worse than corrupt.
Your Average Democrat, and (to a somewhat lesser extent)
Your Average Republican are usually sincere and committed. For the most part, they actually believe that what they propose is good for you!

This is why, from a “choice” of “public servants,” I prefer corruption to commitment. The corrupt have a built-in motive to not get caught so they can continue their graft. This restrains them. The committed are convinced that they are doing good. This encourages them to do more damage, so they keep it up until the empire is wasted.

Donald Trump is corrupt.
Your Average Democrat is worse than corrupt.
Jobamala is worse than Your Average Democrat.

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Spaced…

28 July 2023

Spaced, the pleasant cashier. These are the ventures of the QuikkStopp goodies shop. His eight-hour mission, to exploit a range of junkies, to eke out a living wage and an honorable reputation. To frankly vend sucker bets to hopeless shmoes and skanky hoes.

Well, that “nose cone job” looks a lot like Christine Chapel (as portrayed by Jess Bush), but she was never a redshirt, nor even Starfleet. As far as I understand, she’s a civilian contractor, a not uncommon aspect of military industrial complexes through history.

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Lieutenant Norma Jeane Monroe

28 July 2023

She’s no Admiral Ball, but I still fell in love with this graphic when I spotted it on FascBuch. Naturally I’ve exercised my easement. I believe I’m reading Lieutenant’s brass on her collar there. Trekkies who are more conversant in Starfleet protocol and insignia,
please feel encouraged to set me straight.

I agonized over “Mortensen” and “Baker” but finally settled on Monroe, as Marilyn did herself. It was, after all, her mother’s name (Gladys Pearl Monroe) before she’d married Jasper Newton Baker. Born in another time and space, I see her escaping Jim Dougherty and finding a brilliant career in Starfleet.

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Ya Got Me!

15 July 2023

I thought I didn’t care, but apparently, with its expanding and extending new definitions (much like Topsy), “white supremacism” and “white privilege” have embraced me. So I guess I am. But I guess that would also make me an anti-Semitic kike and a misogynistic bitch. Okeh, if you like…

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Waid’s Finest

14 July 2023

I don’t want to call them “Waid’s Finest” even though they just about are. For one thing, I want Mark to rest now and then so he doesn’t burn out too soon and get sick of delighting us with his wondrous gifts. Toward that effect, I also want to see what Paul Levitz and Geoff Johns can do with this Retro-Silver Redux.

And even if Mark Waid doesn’t want to share, or similarly gifted writers choose not to play here, I’m still going to soak up every book he puts out on this team. This is great stuff, and maybe the most FUN in too many drab years of gratuitous inclusion. Sure, it may not precisely be “Legs” [*1] or “Princess Ponytail” [*2], but it’s still a lot closer than I dared hope. I don’t necessarily disapprove of Robin’s covered legs, but decades of conditioning make them seem… not right. And as for Wonder Girl’s SECOND costume and hairstyle, they don’t bother me (much) either, but again, the ponytail look was just etched so deeply that the reboot seems a little false without it. These are, one, super trivial complaints and, two, probably not even in Waid’s purview as the writer. So be it.

This is good stuff! These Teen Titans have distinctive personalities that are true to decades of traditions. Waid spins a few of them in fresh directions while remaining true to core values. These are fresh-faced heroes, most of whom are trying to make their way out of the shadows of their mentors, and who are (mainly) devoid of angst. And Emanuela Lupacchino‘s artwork just glistens! She portrays their innocence AND strength with a great measure of Nick Cardy goodness and just a touch of Darwyn Cooke grace, all while channeling Curt Swan level micro-expression mastery. It’s a joy to see the Silver-Age originals, and (Bronze-Aged) Bumblebee’s inclusion is most welcome, too. With a central cast of these six, we can hold off for any appearances of later Titans. Hawk? Dove? Lilith? Mal? You bet! Later! (Red) Starfire? He may be problematic, as there’s no USSR on this new Earth in the 21st Century. However, Russia does remain very much a pariah nation in popular culture, so an updated (White) Starfire could be korosho!

I wouldn’t want to give away too much, but I will say that certain heartbreaking sequences in the storyline clarify (maybe too painfully) why a certain character just might be tempted to embrace the needle in some as yet undefined future. And YES, let’s see how that other “situationship” develops.

More please. Thar’s gold in them thar thrills! Meanwhile, I am perfectly content with calling this particular plenum of the Disparate Continua “Earth Waid” (though I remain open to “Earth W”.)

References
[*1]: “Legs” was Barbara Gordon’s pet name for Robin (Batman Family 16, March 1978.)
[*2]: “Princess Ponytail” is MY pet name for “Wonder Chick” [*3] (my fevered brow, 2007).
[*3]: “Wonder Chick” is Speedy’s pet name for Wonder Girl (if you don’t know by now you’re not fanboy enough to have read this far).

Wonder Girl®, Robin®, Bumblebee®, Kid Flash®, Aqualad®, and Speedy® are the creations and/or de jure properties of DC Comics® and WarnerCom® and are used here without permission.


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And the Internet Restoreth

9 July 2023

I am retarded, particularly as regards to cybernetics. I was taught to speak English as a very young child, and it canalized an expectation of structure that has plagued me since. I’ve been informed that English is among the most difficult of languages to learn, but since it is my milk tongue, I don’t remember the struggle. My parents and older brother have all confirmed that there were initial concerns about my cognitive abilities, as I did not speak for well past the most common norms. Eventually, I seemed to have come through, finally demonstrating both proper grammar AND genteel table etiquette when I said, “Please pass the potatoes.”

Later, because I was considered “bright,” I was thrust into a seventh-grade French class. I did okeh at first with pronunciation and a little vocabulary. Then they hit me with a peculiar grammar that seemed upside-down and inside-out. That constitutes my sole SCHOLASTIC failure in life.

Anyway, I spent many pleasant hours processing various photocopied images to produce the collage above. Visiting a Legion of Super-Heroes oriented website, I attempted to post my effort, and failed. But a fellow fanboy messaged me and said that if I e-messaged it to him, he would post it. So I did, and he did. Later, the computer containing the digital file died, and I reckon that it, and many others, remains locked in that obsolete box of frustration. I thought it was lost to me until I could find a savant sufficiently versed in this arcana to retrieve the lost files and find me another processing program that i can use. so far nothing…

Then I saw it on-line. My work! At last returned to me! I snared a copy, so now I am somewhat restored, though my many other files remain out of my poor reach. But hallelujah anyhow, as IT weasels taketh away, and the internet restoreth.

Meanwhile, WordPress® and its many shills continue to resist my solicitations for aid. Why can’t IT weasels label their “help key” with something actually helpful? Like “Help?”

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A Certified Drug Dealer

2 July 2023

I am now a certified drug dealer.

I recently received a letter from the IRS. Not one of those scary, “You are being audited” letters. Just a formality, I guess, advising me that part of my “overpayment” was being applied to my “underpaid” 2020 tax “bill.” I’d been thrown out of my job for declining to pretend I was a surgeon, and so began to draw down my allegedly “tax sheltered” IRA. In fact, that’s what I lived on throughout 2021, also, so I didn’t file for that year either. Anyway, the clerks at Treasury finally caught on (meaning I filed for 2022) and decided it was time to settle up. Well, so be it, they weren’t threatening an audit or prison romance, so pretty mundane, right?

What the letter did NOT mention, however, was the “occupation” claim that I’d made. For years, my accountant would file my tax returns for me using her vast skills and superior software. It was a great convenience, and I remain grateful for her help. I’ve spent the last several years covering the groceries and electric through my involvement with extortion, drugs, and organized gambling. I work retail and sell cigarettes, beer, and lottery tickets, while also collecting “sales tax.” Now I don’t feel at all guilty about facilitating people’s gambling or drug habits, and I don’t even feel any guilt over collecting the taxes either, ’cause if we didn’t, The Mob would shut us down. And if we resisted, they would kill us. Nevertheless, when it came time to claim an occupation, I figured “drug dealer” would be the most accurate and brief description. My accountant didn’t care for that, so she always insisted that I claim “writer” instead. Well, her price at the time was right, and it’s not untrue besides. In fact, one could argue that every time I sell a book, I’m “making money” as a writer, but sales have yet to exceed printing costs, so it always felt a little disingenuous, whereas “drug dealer” was TRUE. Well, my former accountant (and former arch nemesis) no longer files my taxes, and has not since I lost the previous job in 2020. So when I filed this spring, there was no reason that I could see not to tell the fuller truth. I am a drug dealer, and I am proud of that, because I’ve never misrepresented either the drugs or the sucker bets that I’ve sold. And it turns out the IRS doesn’t care, as long as I file, and they get what they believe is theirs. And since they’ve still got LOTS more guns than I have, I’m going to continue to appear to obey. (There are TWO ways to “appear to obey.” One is to actually obey, and the other is not. And I am not going to incriminate myself here by indicating exactly HOW I “appear to obey” and I won’t ask you either.)

Anyway, as to my “certification…”
The certificate in question is my latest 1040, written in my own hand, with the words “Drug Dealer” printed on the “occupation” line.